I'm a big fan of television, movies and music. AND HANDSOME GUYS DUH I love discovering new tv shows, new fandoms, new artists. NEW FAVORITES TO UH STALK? LUST OVER?? I'm trying to start reading and writing again.
"I'm not as good as I used to be, but I'm okay"
"I'm not as good as I used to be, but I'll try harder" Don't be afraid to dream a little bigger darlin'
I SALSA UR FACE
✌ robert downey jr. · ewan mcgregor · jude law · johnny depp · colin farrell · jim carrey · tom hanks · wentworth miller · kevin spacey · george clooney · jeff bridges · jeremy renner · geoffrey rush · simon pegg · nick frost · colin firth · brad pitt · nicolas cage · leonardo dicaprio · sean penn · paul rudd · jason segel · clint eastwood · paul newman · marlon brando · matt damon · mark wahlberg · aaron paul · tim roth · etc
Secondly, don't let anyone ever make you feel like you don't deserve what you want.
HE ATE A BANANA
✌ quentin tarantino · tim burton · martin scorsese · stanley kubrick · coen brothers · danny boyle · steven spielberg · edgar wright · robert rodriguez · roman polanski · sidney lumet · david fincher · christopher nolan · alfred hitchcock · etc
Taste me, drink my soul
Show me all the things that I shouldn't know
When there's a new moon on the rise
I had everything, opportunities for eternity
And I could belong to the night
TALK DIRTY TO ME
✌ SONS OF ANARCHY · parks and rec · happy endings · friends · the good wife · supernatural · prison break · true blood · band of brothers · psych · lie to me · pushing daisies · harper's island · how i met your mother · torchwood · sons of anarchy · breaking bad · dexter · the it crowd · the office · etc
Follow my blog with Bloglovin And I really miss what really did exist
When I held your throat so tight
And I miss the bus as it swerved from us
Almost came crashing to its side
"Anti-depressants? Anti-anxiety meds? How about Anti-RAGE meds."
Take 1/2 a tablet of Lorazepam, she told me.
I went out almost the whole of today. I don't really want to talk about that right now, although things weren't that bad. It was quite an enjoyable day actually. Things were fine, and I met with a friend who was good company and we caught a movie. Dr Lee wasn't unpleasant; there was nothing to be unpleasant about except that giant acne on my forehead. Overall, as usual, I felt like the whole world was looking down on me and wondering why I haven't moved an inch from where I fell- deep, right into the hell------- I meant, bottomless pit of a well.
Sitting right below, so far below, all I can see if sunlight, total darkness, and the occasional glaring pairs of eyes that look so ginormous from down below. Then there would be these heavy splashes of water. I guess I call it rain in here. Outside you guys probably call that spit and tears. They don't fit umbrellas in here, so I just duck for cover under this coffin I found dumped nearby. Guess what? We share the same initials and birth dates.
Anywayyyy, I came home, I was tired and upset. Periods suck. I can't be coherent at this point any more. All I can say is that the dryer broke or rather.. screamed for a bit, and then everyone fussed about trying to fix it. When it didn't even needed fixing. I felt like stomping out of the house in frustration, because my dad and I were arguing. Don't ask why.
But I didn't. I just felt so fucking angry. I wanted to burst to burst something to scratch to peel. In the end when they all finally went into the room, I just laid on the floor and cried. Like I've been doing a lot these days. Must be the medications.
Fast forward two hours.-- one hour plus. I bathed changed packed etc. Then I went to take my medications. Took 2 tablets of Lorazepam instead of 1/2. so it's dosage x 4. Is that that bad? ytd I took 1 whole tablet.
Idk, but it's making me incredibly HIGH and drowsy. I feel tipsy and incoherent akshdas
REALLY
also want more. she gave me an extra prescription because i'm seeing her next in ONE MONTH \o/
DO YOU THINK THE 21 TABLETS (FOR ONE MONTH AND A LITTLE EXTRA SHE GAVE ME) IS ENOUGH TO OVERDOSE ON AND LEAD TO HOPEFULLY ONE OF THE FOLLOWING?
average i should be taking 1/2 tablet per day. she's seeing me in one month = 31 day. 31 x 1/2 tablet = 16 +5 extra = 21 ONLY 5?????
i guess 21 would be enough to kill self. but i don't know yet.
lol just kidding, that's the average dosage other people take for insomnia 4tablets a day or something.
did i tell you? today i just hate everyone. well, tonight. from 10pm-now. not including whoever i talked to online.
i'm also taking toparimate but based on wiki
Dosage
The exact dosage of Topiramate depends on the diagnosis being treated. In order to avoid early side-effects (e.g. cognitive dysfunction) the initial dosage normally is low and increased in slow steps. The usual initial dosage is 25 to 50 mg daily in 2 single doses. Common dosages for maintenance treatment are 100 to 200 mg daily. The highest dosage recommended is 400 mg daily in divided doses, but higher doses have been used in patients using Topiramate as a primary seizure medication, doses upto 1600mg/day have been well tolerated.
Sounds like unless I take over 16 pills a day, I'm going to be sunshine.
I know you are a human being and you are entitled to your own opinions and judgments and you definitely know a lot better than I do. You are a doctor, after all, and I am just one of the millions of patients that you have been seeing and are currently seeing. In this world, all that we do, think, and speak will be judged by the billions of competitors surrounding us. These competitors we sometimes call our friends, yet sometimes we turn around and call our enemies. Point is, to each his own. It's very rare that someone really has your back. Even if that someone does have your back and loves you very much, that someone is not you. That someone has that someone's own mindset and thinking and that someone would from time to time disagree with the way you think. Hence, that would affect that someone's impression of you, if only by 0.00001%. Over time, that percentage just builds up. Relationships crash and boom, depending on how people work things out.
Point is, we never stop judging each other. Actually, that's not what I really wanted to say to you. I have a problem with needing to be direct and to the point.
I wanted to say, I realized today, one of the reasons why I get nervous the day before seeing you, is perhaps probably because you judge me and whatever I say in every appointment. The atmosphere in the room is always very bad. I know you're a very kind person, and as a doctor, you always do your very best each day to help every one of your patients. I'm writing this only to express how I feel, and why I think I might be feeling anxious about appointments. That is all. This has in no way anything to do with you or the way you see your patients.
See, there is no way doctors and patients can ever have this friend to friend relationship of course. Sometimes, I feel like I don't even know if I should be honest with you, because everything I say will bounce right back to slap me in the face.
All right, I know I have this reputation for having skipped out on a couple of my past appointments with you and the psychologist. I know it's been 10 months since I last saw you (but honestly, I seriously just forgot to make an appointment to go back). I know I have stopped my medication on my own in the past. I know I did things that went against your advice. As a doctor, I know it feels like your advice isn't trusted.. or something like that. All you want is for the patient to recover, but the patient is stubborn and won't listen. Thus, you feel like you cannot help this patient.
You don't have to rub it in my face every time regardless. I know I haven't been regular with my appointments and medication, but I came back, didn't I? Isn't that a sign itself that I want to seek your help again? I know you think I only came back because I needed a letter explaining why I wasn't fit for physical exercise so I could suspend my stupid yoga membership for one month. But to be honest, that wasn't really what I came back for. I did want to help myself.
You asked if I wanted to start seeing you regularly again, and I said "Yeah.. okay." You took that as a half hearted answer, and commented that it felt as if you were forcing me to start seeing you again. I have to say, I was actually very offended by that. I couldn't possibly have answered that in a million other ways, could I? Is there anything so exciting about coming back? A "Yeah.. okay." is a "Yeah.. okay." and that is that. If I didn't want to go back, no amount of forcing me would bring me back jsyk.
Besides, I'm older now. I'm not young like I was when I first started seeing you. I was really angry then, and I didn't want anything to do with you or the stupid program. Right now, I do wish I had found the program instead of going to KK Hospital because I feel like I could have saved myself I lot of trouble if I hadn't had to deal with their goddamn inexperience and ignorance with EDs.
Either way, this week, my medication schedule was irregular again. I've been feeling very low, partly due to my period, mostly due to again-I-don't-know-what, and I just didn't feel like taking the medication. Just like I "didn't feel like" going to my yoga or going out or going to school or going anywhere else. I see what you mean. If I can't even take my own medicine, how can I even get a job or take classes?
See, I don't know if I should tell you this, because you're just going to bitch at me again. Then my mom and my dad is going to bitch at me and blahblahblah. I know it's all in my hands. Okay.
Also, your prescription said to take 100mg (1 tablet) per day. I took 200mg (2 tablets) per day. Sometimes 300mg. I just felt it wasn't enough, okay? Besides, there was a typoerror in the prescription I think, and I was given 20 tablets instead of 10 tablets for 10 days (and I paid for 20 tablets, of course). So obviously, I would self medicate on the higher dosage, since the week before I even went back to see you, I was already taking 400-500mg (with the extra tablets leftover from last year).
When I told you this, you were clearly a little upset. I thought honestly would score me some points, but clearly it didn't.
I'm not sure whether to tell you what tomorrow.
I just wish you would let go of the fact that I was inconsistent with my appointments in the past? I know I'm like "sometimes you see me, sometimes you don't" and I'm not responsible and I can't help myself if I don't show up for my appointments. But really? That is so not cool. I don't like you telling me that over and over and over again.
Seriously.
I don't usually get upset easily (except when I'm at home, because everything just frustrates the hell out of me when I'm in the wrong mood- actually, I don't really get upset at home. I just get upset when my mom yells at me about my ocd. Or when I get paranoid and feel everything is so clearly fucking dirty. Or when my washing rituals get interrupted.). I don't mind a lot of things, and as long as it doesn't have to do with cleanliness and you don't rub your hands over me, I won't be a bitch about it.
But when people tell me the same thing more than TWICE, I feel like I want to punch them in the face. (I honestly really hope I'm not a broken record player myself. If I am, I will very happily punch myself to death. But anyway..)
I think usually people do hear you speak, so there's no need to tell them a second time unless it's something very fucking marvelously awesome like elephants and babies. If they do something wrong, and they make the same mistake again, it's okay to tell them, but chances are they realize that already, and inside, the disappointment and possibly the guilt and anger has already started to gnaw at their heart.
So please, do them a favor all right? Just leave them alone please.
Today was incredibly tough and ugly. I didn't exactly have to face any challenges or life changing decisions. I just gave up on myself completely. It was a very bad day, and I was a very bad girl. I'm incredibly fed up with myself, blah and blah, it's the same, it's the same. I'm tired, maybe that's just it. But what am I to be tired by? I am at home all day eating and resting. I am tired of not having a life.
The afternoon was bad, but the night was disastrous. The more I ate the more physically full I became, yet the more my appetite grew and my greediness took over. I was tired, extremely full. I didn't know what to do to pass the time before I went to bed. I couldn't sleep because I hadn't showered. I couldn't shower because my stomach was so heavy and full. I couldn't even have slept on such a full stomach anyway.
So I sat in front of the computer and ate a little bit more.
When I finally decided to stop, I was nearly in tears.
I finished "The Final Break", the last episode of Prison Break s4, and I don't even know what to say. The series was good, yes. Entertaining. I did like the characters, their developments, and especially their dialogues. They all had pretty special relations with each other that they build throughout the show. As the show progressed, I fell in love with characters I hated at first (ie Gretchen, Don self- whom, coincidentally, I ship together), found more reasons to love the characters I liked since the beginning (Mahone). I respect how the producers and writers delivered the ending. That is not to say that I didn't bawl my eyes out over Michael's death. I think the tape recording scene was the part that triggered it. It was just so, so sad.
The video doesn't work in his, but the words are the same as from the episode.
I started out not really caring much about Michael/Sara ;_; I kinda usually ship the more obscure, crack shippings??? I don't know. It's very rare that I like a very common ship. Besides, there wasn't much Michael/Sara moments till halfway through S4?? If I remember.. correctly.
I'm glad that Michael did not end up getting shot by one of the guards though. Of course, he's too smart for that. He died of his own choice. His death was a sacrifice so that Sara and his child could live on. I think after dragging Sara into all this, he did owe her that much. Besides, he knew his health would kill him someday in the near future anyway. He had probably already made up his mind long ago that if it all came down to this, then it's what he would do.
Overall, I thought the ending was fitting, although it wasn't very smooth? I don't even know how to put it in words, but it felt a little choppy, to me. When I watched till the end of The Final Break, I was pretty much crying my eyes out, after the tape recording scene. I guess I kind of expected some nice flashbacks, or stuff.. maybe they ran out of screen time. That's also the thing. I didn't really follow up on articles and interviews and all that, but I'm wondering if the decision of cancelling the series by the end of season 4 made the whole ending rushed out. It sure felt that way. I think maybe if I watched the scene four years later where they all got back together right after I watched the recording scene, I might have felt less.. cut off.
It felt like.. 'bawww omg tears tears tears' then screen turned black, credits came on o.o Just, a little abrupt, idk ;_; But it was all right.
Omg, Michael Jr. is so adorable ;___;
Anyway, I was pretty upset, but I managed to cheer myself up (wasn't preplanned) watching an episode of Saturday Night Live (35x07) hosted by Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Yeah, it aired Nov 21 2009. But thankfully, I managed to find a source online and downloaded it. (oh my god I was so happy I found a megaupload link almost instantly!)
It was more amazing and entertaining than I anticipated. Haha, uh, let's just say, seriously, in this universe, there isn't a single thing Joseph Gordon-Levitt cannot do TRUTH
He is so very talented in every aspect. He is always so animated and energetic and full of life and omgggg he can be so adorable, so handsome, so badass-- he is extremely versatile and agile (if that's the right word to use). He can dance and sing and play the guitar. Holy crap I love listening to his singing/guitar playing. He's just so very very amazing and I have so much respect and admiration for him.
I could and will very well go on about 1001 reasons, but it's 6.00am and everyone's about to wake up so I have to go to bed aha. Goddamn. I really have so much to type right now but kajshda.
Just going to leave with these <333 Will make a JGL appreciation post soon this week!
Over the weekend, I experienced my period. I know, it's a fairly common thing to happen to a woman. But that doesn't mean I have to enjoy it. In retrospect, I very much despise it. I detest it. I want to burn it with hellfire and then throw it's ashes into the much ferocious volcano to ever exist so that it would forever perish. That is if periods were human beings.
My period sucks.
My periods used to come and go within the span of two days. You would say I was lucky, but even then, during those two tortuous days, I already felt like death. As of now, it's been staying it's third onto fourth day already, and it's flow has been very unforgiving. It makes me mad, it makes me uptight, it makes me tense. I feel like I have to be stuck in one position for the entirety of the day. I feel like I cannot feel anything anymore except for which is the most uncomfortable tinge of the slightest trickle of blood seeping into the pad EW. I feel like everyfuckingthing is so goddamn bloody dirty and I have to wash everything consistently. I keep going to the toilet and yes I know. I am overreacting, blah blah. I am dealing it it worse than I would be dealing with a zombie outbreak.
But hey! What if the zombies are from the future? They got technology and information the zombies of the 21st century do not have? They shrunk themselves and I don't fucking know how but they are now taking over the planet from women's vayjayjays. Okay, I did not totally just type that. I am so grossed out.
I am feeling so bloated and terribad, but somehow, I've managed to keep on eating to feed my idiotic hormones. I am an incorrigible bastard. Bastard! Basteeerds.
So that was the past few days.
Also, it rained.
Today evening I decided to cycle with my dad. I didn't know he was feeling not too well. I should have known, maybe. I mean, my dad really works very hard. Being the only one who has to support the whole family. My brother's only 6. My sister's only 12. I'm already 18 but I'm useless. I know every family has their own problems and they all have to just make it work. I know my dad is doing everything he can. So is my mom.
Being a mom and a dad to your children is not simple at all. Because it's not just about earning money and giving them education and food and shelter and then "growing them up" like you grow plants or keep animals. There are underlying responsibilities to the responsibilities that are general. I don't know how to put it. But let's just say there are parents, and there are parents.
Yes, I am incredibly thankful my parents are very parents parents parents in the sense that they're the best of best parents kind of best parents.
My dad actually hears the washing rituals I do every night. Calling it a ritual sounds entirely stupid, but also kinda hilarious, so I'll call it a ritual. It's a thing I can't not do before I sleep? I've got to wash my face, wash my arms, wash my feet or whatever. I've already showered, but then I still have to do those. In the past, I had to stretch my back, stretch left right or whatever. It never leaves you, it just changes its form. It's like a shapeshifter, you know? It changes its shape to avoid being detected. It doesn't want to be exterminated.
It's a coping mechanism..? Or is it. We will always find ways to cope with all things unpleasant. Even the simplest bit of things. We might procrastinate. I guess we actually procrastinate. I don't even read any bits of psychology so I don't understand shit about what I'm talking about of if I am even 0.01% close to making sense/being right.. but I'll just carry on blabbering because that makes me happy.
I think our mind (subconscious) works in mind maps. Which is why I really need to start thinking that way too. We see or encounter a certain thing like blood! And our subconscious automatically expands out to all the links that span out from blood. Blood -> pain -> fear -> cry -> shame -> sjflasjdf except we think in visual we think in memories and experiences, not words.. nothing so clear cut. I guess.
If we can identify these links, if I can identify why on goddamn earth I do so many stupid regrettable things, I would be a remarkable man.
Back on topic. I got frustrated like mad about halfway through our ride, not realizing my dad was probably just tired. He was shifting around with his gears, and I thought he was just trying to play around with this advice some old man (according to my dad, the old man looked like someone who could be called an experienced cyclist who knew what he was talking about) offered him at the bicycle repair shop. Our speed was disappointing, to me, to say the least. Because our bicycles are so different (weight, built, gears, EVERYTHING since LOL secondhand secondhand secondhand), our fitness levels are obviously different, and sometimes I just get so upset having to try to match our speeds. It wasn't all so bad until we were going up one slope and I just really wanted to push through, but because he slowed down and stopped at the top, I had to brake too. I just wanted to crash something right then.
I am not fed up with him. I just wish I could do so much better.
We went back, I washed up, and planned my daily night ritual of excessive overwashing. Yes, I knew it was too much. But I had to do it. I just couldn't do it in front of my dad. And yet there he was, still sitting in the dining room reading his book. I was purposely delaying earlier on hoping he would go to bed already. I did a bit of laundry, trying to keep my patience in check while waiting for him to go to bed. Apparently, he had closed his eyes, but he was still sitting there.
I couldn't do anything till he went to the room. The more I waited, the more annoyed I got. The more annoyed I got, the more I felt like I needed to wash. Anyhow, I can't exactly recall the sequence in which things happened, but he got up and we had a talk. Well, he approached and wanted to talk.
I very rudely tuned out most of the conversation because I was too upset. All I could think about was what I needed to do because my face was so goddamn bloody oily and my pad was so bloody itchy (seriously tampons?! how do I use those things? isn't it more disgusting to stick those things inside? blood is only nice when it bleeds from the wrist and no where else)
I ended up pacing around the living room for a few seconds before deciding to take the anxiety medicine I got from the doctor the other day. She's right. It can be addictive. Already I wanted a million dollars so I could buy a gazillion of those pills. They are not effective enough at that prescribed dosage of 0.5 pill HAHAHA what a fucking joke. Obviously, her prescription is for like a mild anxiety, a one time fix. A temporary fix. However, it doesn't seem to last. Because as our "talk" continues, I begin to get truly madly flustered-- truly madly pissed. Okay, in the medicine's defense, I guessed it was for fixing anxiety, not agitation. So perhaps that is why it backfired. But still, you'd think perhaps it would soothe my nerves a little more? I really felt like I could rip things apart if I were alone in the house man. If I was alone, I would probably start a small fire of photographs. Then take the lift down, run around the block, take the lift up to the roof top and idk... throw burnt photographs down.
From our "talk", although I was only partly present, I was present. I did hear what he had to say. You know, honestly speaking, I would be more attentive if he didn't repeat himself so much during his talks. I know we don't do this kind of "lecture" talks so often anymore thank god but he's always making his point then elaborating, then making the point and elaborating again! It's a broken record, and there's only so many number of times I can hear the same.. THING before I self combust and blow smoke out my ears.
I'm sorry I was distracted with doodling and messing around with every distraction I could find so I could try to avoid eye contact.. but when you've done something wrong, isn't it cheeky to look someone in the eye and say, yes okay, or whatever? I don't know hot to react. I'm overloaded with guilt. Because I CANNOT DEAL WITH THE FUCKING GUILT AND SHAME AND EVERY GODDAMN BASICALLY JUST GUILTY FEELING, I GET ANGRY OKAY??
Nobody understands that.
I am totally okay with being confronted. I just can't live with myself. I can't live with this situation. Living in a house where I'm eight fucking teen and I'm 100% spoonfed. You want to know what the most terrible thing is? They all love and care for me too much. My dad says his priority is to help me overcome this. Something along the lines of that.. Good intentions, kind intentions.. He says he prays for me every night, and hopes I do the same for myself.
He sleeps 6 hours a night, wakes up, fetches my sister to school, makes breakfast, reads the paper, gets ready for work, gets my brother to school. Goes to work. My mom helps him out in the office. They go for lunch. He fetches my sister back home if she's not staying back. He's at work the whole day running up and down all over Singapore depending on where and when work calls, attending to customers' every whim and fancy.
IN POINT FORM
-PERIODS SUCK
-STILL HAVEN'T GOTTEN BACK TO YOGA AT ALL
-CAN'T EVEN REGULATE MY OWN MEDICATION TIMING AND DOSAGE
-STILL KEEP BINGEING
-WATCHED A LOT OF MOVIES AND TV LATELY
-OCD GETS WORSE
-SO MUCH HAS HAPPENED....
-BEEN UPDATING AT WORDPRESS, TUMBLR, TWITTER, HERE AND THERE
IT'S SO MESSY
I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER WHERE I POSTED WHAT.. WHERE I SAVED WHAT DRAFTS.
I EVEN SAVED SOME POSTS IN WORDPAD, WORD DOCUMENTS.. AND I SAVED THEM IN VARIOUS FOLDERS ALL OVER THE COMPUTER.. WITH RANDOM FILE NAMES LIKE 'D', 'ALSDA', 'AHDASJKLD'. NOW I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO SEARCH FOR THEM.
GUESS I'LL ONLY BE ABLE TO START BLOGGING FROM NOW AGAIN
GOOD THING IS I KNOW HOW TO ACCESS BLOGGER AGAIN
I MISSED NATIONAL DAY. I ALMOST DECIDED NOT TO CARE ABOUT YOG, BUT I THINK I WILL JUST FOLLOW NEWS ABOUT IT ON AND OFF.
MORE COHERENT POST TO COME AFTER THIS. GOING TO UPDATE THE WHOLE LAYOUT BECAUSE RECENTLY I JUST PROBABLY SAVED LIKE A THOUSAND GIFS AND IMAGES OFF THE INTERNET /O/
