WALKIN' ON SUNSHINE WOAAAH
LLLena { Same Shit Different Day } ☂ 
I'm a big fan of television, movies and music. AND HANDSOME GUYS DUH I love discovering new tv shows, new fandoms, new artists. NEW FAVORITES TO UH STALK? LUST OVER?? I'm trying to start reading and writing again.
"I'm not as good as I used to be, but I'm okay"
"I'm not as good as I used to be, but I'll try harder"
Don't be afraid to dream a little bigger darlin'
I SALSA UR FACE
✌ robert downey jr. · ewan mcgregor · jude law · johnny depp · colin farrell · jim carrey · tom hanks · wentworth miller · kevin spacey · george clooney · jeff bridges · jeremy renner · geoffrey rush · simon pegg · nick frost · colin firth · brad pitt · nicolas cage · leonardo dicaprio · sean penn · paul rudd · jason segel · clint eastwood · paul newman · marlon brando · matt damon · mark wahlberg · aaron paul · tim roth · etc
Secondly, don't let anyone ever make you feel like you don't deserve what you want.
HE ATE A BANANA
✌ quentin tarantino · tim burton · martin scorsese · stanley kubrick · coen brothers · danny boyle · steven spielberg · edgar wright · robert rodriguez · roman polanski · sidney lumet · david fincher · christopher nolan · alfred hitchcock · etc
Taste me, drink my soul
Show me all the things that I shouldn't know
When there's a new moon on the rise
I had everything, opportunities for eternity
And I could belong to the night
TALK DIRTY TO ME
✌ SONS OF ANARCHY · parks and rec · happy endings · friends · the good wife · supernatural · prison break · true blood · band of brothers · psych · lie to me · pushing daisies · harper's island · how i met your mother · torchwood · sons of anarchy · breaking bad · dexter · the it crowd · the office · etc
Follow my blog with Bloglovin
And I really miss what really did exist
When I held your throat so tight
And I miss the bus as it swerved from us
Almost came crashing to its side
|
moved
|
everything that james mcavoy and michael fassbender is is not real. seriously how can it be.
mcfassy causes spikes in my blood pressure. if i die, let it be known that it was worth it.
|
something good i did today: talked with sis
something i am grateful for today: went for a walk with mom sis and bryan; mom persuading me to go for a walk despite me being grouchy
something i would like to do tomorrow: cycling in the evening/tennis in the evening
|
something good i did today: left postits with feedback about the waiting time at the life center clinic
something i am grateful for today: watching x-men with mom and enjoying x-men and fassy's teeth
|
HOLY FUCKING HELL. I FORGOT TO MENTION- YOU REMEMBER THAT PHASE WHEN I WAS SERIOUSLY FUCKING IN LOVE WITH JOHNNY FUCKING DEPP? HE WAS IN MY DREAMS AND EVERYTHING AND I LOVED HIM SO MUCH. THEN I MOVED ON TO SOMEONE ELSE, STILL KEEPING MY LOVE FOR HIM NEVERTHELESS BUT IT WASN'T AS STRONG. AND NOW? FUCK OFF. I CANNOT. UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH JOHNNY DEPP YOU NEED TO STOP PLEASE YOU ARE KILLING ME YOU MAKE MY HEAD DIZZY WHAT ON EARTH. TAKE A LOOK AT THIS FUCKING PICTURE. WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS? I HATE YOU SO MUCH. GO AWAY. GO AWAY. GO AWAY. GO AWAY. GO AWAY.
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
|
I should start typing movie quotes in my titles again like I used to
Okay so my mom stumbles upon my blog sometimes and enjoys the occasional read. This has been the reason I had put off blogging before. Tumblr is another reason. I have been sucked back into the vortex that is tumblr and I cannot quit. It is reblog after reblog after reblog and my blog has gone to shit. If ever at a point my blog could be considered any little bit of quality, that has all gone away now.
Apparently, also, my sister has been sort of regular on tumblr. Not addicted or mad like I have been, but she's been posting. I happened to stumble into her account because it wasn't signed out. See, this is the problem with shared computers and us switching computers to and fro. Sometimes I use this laptop, sometimes I use the desktop. My sister mostly uses the desktop, even though my mom just got her a brand new laptop. I cannot understand this. Somebody shoot me. I prefer using the desktop because photoshop is fucking slow on this laptop, and I cannot seem to crack my trial version of ps on this computer. My trial is expiring in a few days. Hence, I need to use the desktop computer. But my sister is on it when she's home at night. I don't mind, obviously. It is not my computer, and my mom and brother uses it to from time to time, depending on the availability. What I'm getting at is there's no proper privacy. I guess we ought to create different user accounts for the computers but that's a hassle. It's not safe though, downloading or browsing or saving any files. I'd have to do regular history clean ups, and take care to save my files into a hard disk drive.
Anyway, I was saying, my sis has been on tumblr, which is totally cool. But she's not only on tumblr. She's following me, and she's following about 50%++ of the people I follow on tumblr. That cannot have been achieved unless she'd been stalking my blog, or logged into my account. This is serious business I tell you. It's really not funny, and it's a bit terrible. Okay it's horrible. I do not want to have to watch what I post.
On other unrelated news, it's been shit days and days on end, and it's not going to stop any time. I spend one week every month dying with my period, and the week before wishing I was dead because of the GINORMOUS amounts of food I eat. I lose the ability to feel full, basically. So I consume enough calories for a week in a day and I do it daily and I've gone from 50kg last June to 70kg + this June. By the time next year, I'll have died. The week after my period I spend in misery too, because although my period is over, I have put on 100kg of fat and everything is awful. Hence, I only have one week of happiness every month, and that isn't determined for sure.
I really cannot imagine menopause. I really wish I could cut out my womb. As if everything else wasn't bad enough, I get to have lady problems. I'd so much wish I was born with guy parts. When I get rich, I'm getting an operation to cut out my womb, and then I can do everything in the world.
|
I hate when I'm washing my hands and I lean too close to the sink and the sink has water puddles every where and I accidentally get a splot on my t shirt wet and then it feels I've been stabbed and I'm bleeding to death
|
Also oh my god I feel awful I have to take a break from eating but I cannot stop goddamn fucking pms or shite
|
clearly i cannot watch a movie at home without constant interruptions and extremely annoying background noises what the fuck
|
k i l l j o y
Yesterday was just crash and buuuuuuuuuurn! And knew it would happen. I knew that positive light would be gone and negativism incoming. That don't make it no easier. Currently, I wake up super early in the morning- which is okay, there is more time to do things. Except, I have nothing to do, nowhere to go, noone to meet. Thus, I have sunken back into the depths of bingeing and self-loathing and it's even worse than ever before. I am now bingeing twice a day, at least, gigantic horrifying binges. It used to happen only once in the night, because I would wake up in the evenings back then. Now it's always and ever. I used to have a 7-8 hour grace period of letting my stomach rest before I would go to sleep and now it's all fucked. I eat and eat all the way right until the minute I fall asleep. I don't even sleep properly anymore. I don't even take care of showering. I just sit my dirty fat ass on the already dirty couch and fall asleep and I wake sometimes in the middle and it just isn't proper sleeping. Nothing is proper about my life anymore. It's all fucked. Fucking hell, I can't even enjoy a movie like I used to. I can't even stay up through the entire movie without falling asleep as soon as it starts. What is wrong with me?? Everything. I used to get so much out of movies. Loved every bit, I could watch it and really enjoy properly. Now I still do, except it's not the same anymore.
I wish I had legitimate reasons to be so fucked and worry and sometimes I think about shooting people in the head so I then had legitimate fucking problems.
On the other hand, I realized if consumed in large amounts, bleach can actually kill you. I think. I don't know. Because if it really could, why don't more suicides choose bleach, instead of jumping off the roof or hanging or slitting of wrists. Wouldn't it be easier or something? Or would you suffer the entire way through till you're out?
I should go out today. That fucking list I made, the one full of god awful suggestions about what to do when I feel this god awful way- I just don't feel like doing any of those things. I thought we were going to Mustafa today, but it turns out my sister is not coming along. It's not that big of a deal, except if it's just my mom, my brother and me, sometimes I get annoyed when she starts scolding him loudly in public and causing a fuss, or when he cannot stop disturbing her and thus provoking her. If it isn't that, he'd get bored, hot, tired, etc. It's just hard to go out together. Suddenly I don't think the idea of going to Mustafa is very great anymore. But if I stay at home again, I will most likely eat till my stomach explodes and I can't take it, I can't stop, it's horrible. I go to sleep feeling horrible like I could throw up anytime and I wish I would just throw up every time but it's also such a fucking hassle with all the cleaning up and disposing of evidence or whatsoever. I wake up with the feeling of throwing up because I gorged the night before, the day before, and the subsequent days before. But I can't throw up because I haven't done it in a long time and I make noises when I do so and it's supposed to be done in secret. I need to rest my stomach, give it a break, I need a cleanse. I need a cleanse in my life. Funny thing is the vacation we just took was sort of a cleanse already. Well it was certainly good for my digestive system because the food there was really fresh and healthy and the vegetables and fruit were sweet. Back home right now, nothing healthy tastes even remotely good and I could give fuck all to continue eating fresh and natural and healthy. But it did really help. Everything was good. Most of the time.
I don't know what to do. I feel the same despair from back when I didn't know what to do.
If I can't acquire a time machine, if I can't invent a time machine, if I can't build a time machine, if I can't meet a genie, if I can't be granted wishes to come true, if I can't win a million dollars, if I can't become anorexic again, if I can't be committed to life, if I can't be do anything, I would just have one simple request that tomorrow when I wake up, I will be an unsuspecting toad. Toad, frog, insect, bird, elephant, crocodile, shark..
|
|
E-mail: EMAIL HERE
|
|
30 day challenge / facts abt me <- aka more rl related
|
|
