I'm a big fan of television, movies and music. AND HANDSOME GUYS DUH I love discovering new tv shows, new fandoms, new artists. NEW FAVORITES TO UH STALK? LUST OVER?? I'm trying to start reading and writing again.
"I'm not as good as I used to be, but I'm okay"
"I'm not as good as I used to be, but I'll try harder" Don't be afraid to dream a little bigger darlin'
I SALSA UR FACE
✌ robert downey jr. · ewan mcgregor · jude law · johnny depp · colin farrell · jim carrey · tom hanks · wentworth miller · kevin spacey · george clooney · jeff bridges · jeremy renner · geoffrey rush · simon pegg · nick frost · colin firth · brad pitt · nicolas cage · leonardo dicaprio · sean penn · paul rudd · jason segel · clint eastwood · paul newman · marlon brando · matt damon · mark wahlberg · aaron paul · tim roth · etc
Secondly, don't let anyone ever make you feel like you don't deserve what you want.
HE ATE A BANANA
✌ quentin tarantino · tim burton · martin scorsese · stanley kubrick · coen brothers · danny boyle · steven spielberg · edgar wright · robert rodriguez · roman polanski · sidney lumet · david fincher · christopher nolan · alfred hitchcock · etc
Taste me, drink my soul
Show me all the things that I shouldn't know
When there's a new moon on the rise
I had everything, opportunities for eternity
And I could belong to the night
TALK DIRTY TO ME
✌ SONS OF ANARCHY · parks and rec · happy endings · friends · the good wife · supernatural · prison break · true blood · band of brothers · psych · lie to me · pushing daisies · harper's island · how i met your mother · torchwood · sons of anarchy · breaking bad · dexter · the it crowd · the office · etc
Follow my blog with Bloglovin And I really miss what really did exist
When I held your throat so tight
And I miss the bus as it swerved from us
Almost came crashing to its side
I was just thinking back about the past, and I remembered ever so randomly that the most bizarre thing I ever believed in was probably the fact that saliva contained calories. That, and that just by sniffing in the aroma of food, I would be sniffing in calories. Back then, I would go around hoarding toilet paper from toilets just so I could later spit saliva into it. At that point I didn't want to take chances swallowing anything. I guess the feeling of being in control was sweet. Being ignorant is a blessing in disguise. The more you know, the more you're responsible for, or the more it affects your choice of actions, seizes control over your subconscious.. Then there'll come to a time when you either succeed or give up completely- due to the way your mind, or rather your emotions, handle the information- the truths.
I am obviously not a fighter. I give up at first taste of failure. I give up before I can even push myself to try harder. When my subconscious receives new information, it always get turned into negative information. I panick about how this new information would affect the things I do.
Then, I decide to not decide anything, to not choose what to do-- because choosing means bearing the responsibilities, faults or regrets that would follow. However, not choosing is in itself already a decision. I don't usually regret being idle and complacent and not giving a damn, strangely.
Choosing to ignore the matters at hand, choosing to regard them non existent is a mistake- but somehow I feel that because I didn't choose anything, whatever happens after is not my fault.
There comes the thoughts of, is it so bad to make mistakes? Why do I need to fear being wrong. Even if past experiences have made me think this way, I should change. I should decide what I want to do with my life and really go for it. I should choose to care.
There was a time in the past when I felt like being indifferent about everything was really amazing. I mean, I adore fictional characters (eg Itachi from Naruto) who could block out all their emotions and treat everybody coldly. That was immature thinking of course. But still, if you were able to turn off completely, not feel anything, not allow your feelings to be the boss of you, I'm sure you could be a really remarkable person. Pain, anger, hurt.. jealousy. If we could turn our emotions off we probably wouldn't be human anymore.
Nevertheless, it would be a neat trick. Being ruled over by my emotions has become the way I live.
I don't know if I like the person I am now.
I remember that in the past, it felt like I was faking almost every smile. It was tiring. I always gave in, never said no, I tried to be really kind and appreciative and giving. Was that really who I was? Who I am? Because I don't think I could do that anymore. I am way too much of a cynic right now. I believe everyone puts on a facade in public. We all want to be liked. Usually when people seem nice, I believe they have their own reasons for seeming so. They don't actually care, they don't actually want to know how your day went. I guess that rules out close friends and family though. You don't need to be extremely nice around your family. Which is probably why sometimes we raise our voices at our family members but when our friends or some stranger does the same thing, we merely smile and say oh it's no problem really.
I think about the past a lot lately. About the good times, and the bad times, and the last four years of misery. I wasted four goddamn years. If I had had the same interests back then that I do now, maybe I could've had a +15% chance of making it into the television/film industry. I could've worked hard and took up some classes outside of school. I could've graduated from secondary and made it to polytechnic. I could obviously have done a million things with my life.
I should look ahead and work for the future instead of brooding over the past. I should everything and anything and something so I blahblahblah.
Only thing I'm glad I did was quitting and banning myself from all facebook games. Doesn't mean I'm doing better things with my time, but eh.
Ugh, I need more pictures in here. Next post needs to be a fun one (for me, at least).
I feel like I've lost touch with blogging. It's so hard for me to come up with content to update with. The sentences just don't form, and I keep hitting the backspace button on everything that I type. But.. I'll try.
My brother has seriously fallen in love with the local Phua Chu Kang series. Maybe some very, very long time ago, I probably liked it enough to watch it on occasion whenever it was on tv. Without a cable tv subscription, there's pretty much nothing to watch on tv. Back then, I wasn't.. exposed to much tv. I studied. Anyway, I didn't know about downloading tv shows from the internet till later on. My brother probably only likes it because there's not much of anything else to watch. He watches it free online apparently.
I probably shouldn't say this, since I should be supportive of local tv sitcoms, and I haven't even watched Phua Chu Kang in a very long time, but I think the show is just stupid to watch. If my brother knew how to stream other tv shows or cartoons online, I'm sure he would find something else better to watch. Anyhow, the theme song itself pisses me off. It's just loud and not very pleasant. I've heard enough of Phua Chu Kang in the past few days that I'm already sick of it. My brother can watch it endlessly and even rewatch it endlessly. That's the way he's always been though. He'd watch something, get hooked, and watch it non stop. I don't mind that at all. However, the noise from Phua Chu Kang is just hard to simply dismiss..
Anyway, so, I'm still alive. But nothing has changed, still. I'm still at home, wasting my time, wasting everybody's time. I had a job interview today that I missed. It's a job working for my mother's friend's sister. She owns two shops in Orchard and sells Korean fashion apparel, or so I've heard. A job is a job and I shouldn't even be the least bit choosy since I really have nothing to offer. Yet somehow, my mind still generates excuses like "Oh, I think retail isn't for me." and "I don't know.. maybe I'm not ready."
Okay hold those thoughts for just a bit. I don't know how some people do it. I can't type and listen to music at the same time. I'm still doing it right now, but it feels really distracting. I've been listening to more music lately, trying to discover new artists and albums that I would like. Previously, I would have said, I listen to basically almost anything, if asked what was my favorite music genre or artist. Previously (well back in lower secondary and upper primary) I liked the mainstream stuff. I liked Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, Ashlee Simpson, Hilary Duff, Avril Lavigne, Beyonce, Usher, Black Eyed Peas.. I liked what my friends liked. Hence, I guess I could say I listened to almost anything. Except classical or country or blues.. somehow I never managed to get into those. Previously, I bought albums. As in, actually browsed at CD shops, and purchased albums. Currently, due to lack of financial resources, I just download.
I think I used to like a lot of hip hop and r&b, and pop, generally. I prefer less of those right now. For a phase, I was in love with jrock. I liked that it was "heavy" and "loud" and I don't know, even though I didn't understand what they were singing, I liked the passion.. or power in the songs. I really ought to read some music and tv critics and reviews. I don't even know how to express my like or dislike properly in words. But yeah, during that phase, I loved anime, loved manga, loved Jrock, Jpop, and listened mostly to Japanese music. I'm not sure if I'm completely past that phase, but lately I'm like not even reading manga or watching anime anymore. Manga is still fine, I think. But I get so bored watching anime. Well, I'm sure some series are still highly entertaining. But mostly I feel as if they move pretty slow.. I still listen to some Jrock on and off though. Other than that, I'm mostly into the western fandoms now. Love love love UK telly especially. Although I think I still watch more American series. Music wise, I'm liking a lot of alternative/indie/rock stuff.
I really need to retype all this. Maybe draw a chart for personal amusement purposes, to compare how my tastes and thoughts have changed over the years. How I've degraded as a human being into completely nothing worth even thinking about. How I've failed and blah blah blah.
I should also start a scrapbook 2010, even though half the year is already over. It's really fast, how time flies. I started the year thinking things were going to change, but I think they've only gotten very much worse.
Stopped taking medication lately. It's driving me crazy. I can't stop grabbing everything from the fridge. I've been gaining weight insanely. It's probably past 65kg now.
I don't know if I can ever get my life back. Clearly, thinking and wishing isn't enough without any action taken. Clearly, my stupid hopes of wanting to act will forever remain a stupid hope. I'm totally not cut out for it. I can't even be spontaneous and I'm very, very out of shape. Both physically and mentally. It will be extremely hard for me to settle back into society.
I know I should just, take English courses, pick up again, even though my English is terrible right now. I can't write anything. I thought I could at least be a screenwriter, but hah, really? I can't even write one sentence of anything.
I should take the CAE at British Council anyway. But then what? I can't go to college, not even overseas. I have no secondary school qualifications and I've forgotten everything I learned about math, sciences, geography, history-- everything is basically wiped. I'm like some retarded fat big buffalo.
I don't know enough of anything to be able to function in the real world. I lack communication skills.
Actually, I think my main problem is fear of being judged by other people in life. I've been so shut in for the past 5 years, to socialize and work again would feel completely alien to me. I would feel like my existence is disturbing just walking down the pavement to NTUC downstairs. I feel like I don't belong or deserve to walk out there in public with everyone else. Like I'm some failed corrupt experiment and everyone else knows it and every minute they are all judging me and thinking ridiculous things in their head. I'm so out of touch with society and going out that when I decided to go to the NTUC at Jurong Point one day at night, and the security guard so much as glances at me, I feel as if she's thinking that I'm going to rob the store or cause trouble, just by looking at me (the way I dress/act/walk). Yeah, I feel like I'm committing a crime simply by stepping out of the house. It's become too comfortable at home. I eat and eat and eat and sleep and eat again, and no one judges me. Except I know my family does, but then you tend to be less particular with things when it has to do with your family. I grow fat, have a huge overflowing muffin top, gigantic thighs, but it's okay since nobody sees me. I eat like crazy and eat crazy amounts, but since there's no one to look at me, it feels okay.
Except it is not okay. I haven't been using the pure yoga/fitness membership AT ALL since early July. I last went back in the first week of July. Two months plus, and I only went around 7-10 days. It's so friggin hilarious. Now I can't even motivate myself to attend job interviews.
How did I react to all this? I ignored it and pretended it was okay to waste away like that. I can't even feel any muscles or bones anymore. It's just fat pouring out everywhere. My problem is that, I use being fat and overeating as an excuse. I say "I can't leave the house until I lose weight." But it's impossible unless I leave the house and start doing things like work everyday, to form a routine!
It's a stupid cycle.
EAT AND GROW FAT -> oh no I cannot leave the house looking like that must lose the weight first -> but how to lose weight if forever you are staying at home pigging out and not moving at all, just sitting in front of the computer 20hours a day eating and eating??? obviously you have to get a job get a life and start doing things to occupy yourself so you won't eat everything everyday all day -> but is fat and cannot fit into clothes so i think again, oh no I cannot leave the house looking like that must lose the weight first -> but how to lose weight if forever you are staying at home pigging out and not moving at all, just sitting in front of the computer 20hours a day eating and eating??? obviously you have to get a job get a life and start doing things to occupy yourself so you won't eat everything everyday all day -> ugh ffffffffffffuuuu eat more eat more GROW EVEN FATTER \o/\o/\o/
I'm in love. This is such a beautiful song. Real post later. It's been forever.
Some nights I thirst for real blood
For real knives
For real cries
And then the flash of steel from real guns
In real life
Really fills my mind
And I really miss what really did exist
When I held your throat so tight
And I miss the bus as it swerved from us
Almost came crashing to its side
Sometimes the blood from real cuts
Feels real nice
When it's really mine
And if you want it to be real
Come over for one night
And we can really, really climb
And those blue bridge lights might really burn most bright
As we watch that dark lake rise
And if you really want to see what really matters most to me
Just take a real short drive
It's just a drive into the dark stretch
Long stretch of night
Will really stretch this shaking mind
And this room, unlit, unheated
And the ceiling striped
And the dark black blinds
I want to know this time if you're really finally mine
I need to know that you're not lying so I want to see you tried
And I don't want to hear you say it shouldn't really be this way
'Cause I like this way just fine
'Cause there's nothing quite like the blinding light
That curtains cast aside
And no attempt is made to explain away
The things that really, really, really, really, really are behind
