WALKIN' ON SUNSHINE WOAAAH
LLLena { Same Shit Different Day } ☂ 
I'm a big fan of television, movies and music. AND HANDSOME GUYS DUH I love discovering new tv shows, new fandoms, new artists. NEW FAVORITES TO UH STALK? LUST OVER?? I'm trying to start reading and writing again.
"I'm not as good as I used to be, but I'm okay"
"I'm not as good as I used to be, but I'll try harder"
Don't be afraid to dream a little bigger darlin'
I SALSA UR FACE
✌ robert downey jr. · ewan mcgregor · jude law · johnny depp · colin farrell · jim carrey · tom hanks · wentworth miller · kevin spacey · george clooney · jeff bridges · jeremy renner · geoffrey rush · simon pegg · nick frost · colin firth · brad pitt · nicolas cage · leonardo dicaprio · sean penn · paul rudd · jason segel · clint eastwood · paul newman · marlon brando · matt damon · mark wahlberg · aaron paul · tim roth · etc
Secondly, don't let anyone ever make you feel like you don't deserve what you want.
HE ATE A BANANA
✌ quentin tarantino · tim burton · martin scorsese · stanley kubrick · coen brothers · danny boyle · steven spielberg · edgar wright · robert rodriguez · roman polanski · sidney lumet · david fincher · christopher nolan · alfred hitchcock · etc
Taste me, drink my soul
Show me all the things that I shouldn't know
When there's a new moon on the rise
I had everything, opportunities for eternity
And I could belong to the night
TALK DIRTY TO ME
✌ SONS OF ANARCHY · parks and rec · happy endings · friends · the good wife · supernatural · prison break · true blood · band of brothers · psych · lie to me · pushing daisies · harper's island · how i met your mother · torchwood · sons of anarchy · breaking bad · dexter · the it crowd · the office · etc
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And I really miss what really did exist
When I held your throat so tight
And I miss the bus as it swerved from us
Almost came crashing to its side
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moved
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"I came here to drink milk and kick ass."
<< Somewhat how I feel right now. Like my life just took a leap from a high rise building.
<3 <3 Joshua Jackson. Except derp, I haven't even watched much of Fringe yet. Was watching the DVD Cursed (borrowed from the library) when I thought he looked very familiar. So I.. googled. I need to watch more of Fringe. Speaking of Cursed, Milo Ventimiglia was in it. I kinda only decided to watch that show because I saw his name on the cover.
Except his role was kinda insignificant. Still, man, he was so so skinny back then. Really good performance from him nevertheless.
<< Anyway, here have a LOL gif to balance things out.
I guess what I would really, really like to do would be to work in television/film. I don't care what role, what job, I just want to be involved somehow. Some are awesome doing everything from acting, producing, directing, writing.. I previously wanted to act, but now I agree that a role behind the scenes is more suited to me. Maybe screenwriting, but I think I would really love being behind the cameras/involved in setting up the props/scene. Directing would be really amazing too, but that's years after I get into the scene.
Not that I have any hope that any of this would all work out. I wouldn't even know where to start. Besides, I've made them lose all trust in me. I have disappointed them in every way, everything I signed up for, and money is really tight right now. I have siblings who are still young and need the money for their education.
I guess my problem is I think of so many wonderful things to do, but my body cannot get the message. Like I said in the previous post, mind and body are disconnected. I know this for sure because whenever I eat, I don't feel anything. I just eat. I am bored, and I eat, despite having already eaten half the fridge. I don't enjoy the food, I don't take pleasure in any of it (maybe the first few bites. After that, I'm FULL so I start eating more bite sized stuff like my brother's sweet sugary biscuits and chocolates).
My mom just asked in exasperation, "Why can't you stop eating?!?!?! Control yourself BLAH BLAH BLAH" My mom is 99% given up. I understand why she's like that.
My mom makes a lot of comments that hint at my worthlessness. I think she thinks I'm an immature kid, who doesn't know how to feel guilty or responsible. The responsible part, I don't know, but I'm well aware of what problems I've been causing. Obviously, because mind and body cannot connect, all those guilty thoughts build and build and collect and my brain is almost exploding. But my body doesn't feel it. My body just goes ahead and plops its fat ass in front of the computer and the hands just keep chucking food into the mouth.
But I know. I know when you say stuff like (to my brother, when he doesn't want to go out for dinner with her- which means he'd be alone with me) "Bryan, you better come with me. Even if you're alone or not alone (at home), you're still alone!" Obviously I can't remember the exact phrase, but that obviously translates to YOUR FUCKING SISTER CANNOT TAKE CARE OF YOU MAN, SHE CAN ONLY EAT HERSELF TO DEATH SO YOU BETTER COME WITH ME OTHERWISE SHE'LL EAT YOU TOO
Then just now she tells my brother about not flinging water everywhere when he washes his hands UNLIKE HIS TWO OTHER SISTERS. Lol, okay maybe so she included my sister, but whatever. You get that she likes to make comments that aren't so subtle after all. Passive aggressiveness, is what they call it. Trying to be aggressive in a passive way. Here's a good site for examples. http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com
It happens quite often. She tells my brother he better work hard and do his homework otherwise he'll be worthless, have no education, have no future, be doomed. And I'm hearing all that, and I'm thinking, oh wow, that is me!
Okay lol this "happy" post ends up being a complain post. Nice job, self.
My thoughts right now? Uggggggh to go or not to go for yoga tomorrow. HAHA, seriously self, you blow me.
My mom shouts that I would use this binging as an excuse not to go aka complain that my stomach is too unwell to go. I am afraid that she would be right. That I use this overeating to escape my responsibilities. Actually, deep down, I know I do. I know I already am so accustomed to using overeating as a coping mechanism. To cope with what though, I don't know. Fear? Anxiety? On the outside, I seem so calm though. I wonder why I would even be anxious or fearful.
Why is it so hard for me to just go out for my yoga and enjoy myself? I don't know! I hate that I can't figure this out. Maybe I don't want to because it'll change things/cause a volcano eruption..
Admittedly though? I am scared. I don't even know if I can describe it as scared, or anxious, or whatever. But it's an unpleasant feeling. Hurr, maybe I am just only lazy after all .
A funny picture to close.. (funny to me, at least!)
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"Boom boom boom...muffins."
I’m going to be totally honest with you here blog, because your entries are for my eyes and my eyes only. Not much has happened since I last posted. I tried going back for my yoga upon persuasion and encouragement. I tried taking it easy this time. Taking only one or two classes per day, thinking that would make me go back more consistently. Of course, I was wrong. It has nothing to do with the amount of classes I take. It is simply the decision I make in the early morning when I wake up. I know I should make it part of my lifestyle, something that I don’t need to think twice about- because really, ordinary folks don’t wake up every morning arguing with themselves over whether or not they should go to work.
“Man, I’m fucking tired. Dear mind, should I go to work today? I don’t feel like it.”
“Yeah, maybe not today..”
And just like that, I cancel my classes one after another. My mind, obviously isn’t awake yet. I just let my subconscious decide. Obviously my subconscious would want the easy way out.
Okay, so I went for two days, thought I would take a break for a day but oh waaaait, I couldn’t go back after that! I just kept eating and slacking at home doing nothing whatsoever, making up all kinds of excuses why I should skip that day.
Today was the worse. Well yesterday was very bad already. Today is the third day I skipped class. I have been binging non stop the whole day. Sometimes I exaggerate that, but today, you need to know that is the whole truth. Biscuits, bread, cookies, sweets—I ate everything, and kept going back to eat biscuits after sweets and sweets after bread and so on. I didn’t eat much fruits, I didn’t feel like it. It was like my subconscious wanted to ruin me tremendously.
I don’t know if someday anyone is going to read all this. I know they probably would not bother, because all the entries are about sad, sob stuff that is boring to everyone else.
Blogging is nice, but my writing isn’t very interesting to read. How I wish I could phrase all these thoughts properly.
Today is Tuesday, and maybe my mom is under extra stress because a lot is happening this week; my grandma is getting her eye operation, my sister has exams, my brother’s primary school registration, all happens this week. But who am I kidding, I am obviously the one giving her additional stress. All she goddamn worries about is that I don’t go for my yoga and then my dad would blame her. OKAY, so I cause you additional stress like that. I guess I can’t blame you for blaming me in this way. Because I know that I too choose to blame you for saying certain things that make me decide not to go for my yoga.
I don’t know if I am considered a rebellious person. I don’t know how I think sometimes. I just know I’m not very pleasant deep down inside. I don’t mean being fat and ugly, but really being fat and ugly. I suck the life force out of everyone around me. I think awful thoughts when I’m jealous of someone, or when I’m angry with them for the littlest of things. Anyway, when my mom keeps mentioning me not going for my yoga on the second day that I skipped, I was really, really pissed. I felt like it was stereotyped that I am doomed to fail and omg, I am so likely to skip yoga the next day that she keeps reminding me. So obviously, in my subconscious, because they all already look at me as a failure and they all have thrown away all their expectations of me, and they all have pretty much silently given up and all they see of me now is disappointment and a burden, my goddamn subconscious OR WHATEVER it is that decides, decides that I would prove them right!!
Come on, you’d think that normally people would fight to prove others wrong. Me? I have always been affected by what people around me say or think of me. Because of that, I can’t even think or decide for myself. I mean, if people say that, then they must be right, right? After all, we are all so blind when it comes to judging ourselves, but we are so damn good at judging others. I mean, you don’t deal with yourself daily. They do. So they must be right, right?
I am so bloody fucking good at proving people right.
I just want to get away you know? Get away from all this; Heaven, Hell, Hawaii, India, wherever the shit does not matter. Throw me right deep into a fucking jungle or desert, and I’d be the happiest person alive! I wonder if I can make enough money to run away. I just want to run away. Because here, here there is nothing left for me. What is family? People who love me and whom I love dearly? They are responsibilities I must bear, they are people I must please, they are people I owe my life to, and I don’t like that. I already owe them so much, the guilt is really killing me. Running away doesn’t solve anything, but at least maybe I’d end up dying someplace else where I won’t be found.
I want to take a hop out the window, but I’m such a coward. I don’t want to be hated anymore than I already am. If I take the plunge, especially during such a busy period, I am damn well sure to be blamed and cursed at even in death. Plus, I just realized the yoga membership thing has been paid in FULL. So no matter what I do, chances are there won’t be a refund. Unless they refund cases in which the person is confirmed dead? But then that money would need to be used for my funeral. FML.
How can I make things right? I can’t go for my yoga everyday pretending I have such a bright future ahead of me. I don’t even know what I’m going to do next. I have no hope for myself anymore. My mother keeps asking me sarcastically why it is so hard for a person to simply go to enjoy their yoga class.
I don’t know. They say to search deep inside you to find the answer. I don’t know. I don’t love the classes wholeheartedly, but I definitely don’t hate them either. It’s not really a bother to go, I just don’t feel like it. HELL! That’s exactly how I’ve been feeling my whole life. I don’t feel like it! And just like that, I hope to get out of situations that pressure me. “Pressure” me.
I’m feeling really terrible right now. I don’t have anyone to talk to, don’t have anyone to trust, don’t have anything to do, don’t have the life to live. I sit on my ass the whole day! Eating and eating and camping in front of the computer not moving.
I know you probably won’t read this, but Genevieve, right now, I really envy your life a lot. I know most of the time, we envy others, because we don’t know what they are going through. I guess I don’t, honestly. But from your blog posts, you seem happy. At least, I hope you are. You’re able to go out freely, and enjoy your weekends. Even if you may be doing the same thing every weekend, it’s something right? My weekends don’t exist.
My mother is always yelling. She yells at everything. She yells at my siblings a lot mostly. Right now she yells that she has enough of her own sickening problems already. I know, she means me. I know dearly. I know clearly. She proceeds to sigh and sigh and sigh and shout all over. What am I doing? I’ve obviously torn apart things. Because of me, my sister and brother keeps getting yelled at. FOR THE SIMPLEST OF THINGS LIKE YOU WOULDN’T BELIEVE. Last night, I overheard my mom yelling at my brother in the toilet. He was just having a nosebleed. I can’t imagine what he could have done to make her keep shouting at him. I guess she likes raising her voice like I like my binging. Which is to say, we do it subconsciously?
I can’t stand it though. I can’t stand that she keeps yelling at my sister and my brother. My sister, she’s a really, really good daughter, and sister. She does her homework, stays out of trouble, doesn’t get upset when she has been yelled at… get really, really good grades. She goes to school diligently even though she is really sick. Yet, my mother keeps shouting at her about the untidiness of her room, about the way she eats being so messy, about everything! Really? You have such a good daughter, obviously because of me, you fail to see that. You don’t take it out on me because you think I am weak. Well that’s quite true maybe, and obviously I would be very angry if you yelled at me. But that doesn’t mean I’m any more okay with you yelling at my sister when it is my fault.
Honestly, I don’t know what to do anymore. It’s really, really crazy, but lately I have been having so many thoughts that would probably be considered masochistic.. or something. My mind is obviously disconnected from my body because I eat when I’m painfully full. I mean, really painfully full. I stay at home even though my muscles are aching to be used. I sit all day and stare at the computer even though it makes me more and more depressed.
I can’t tell her how I feel, because I don’t even know how I really feel, or WHY I feel this way. Anyhow, she has NO time for anymore of my BULLSHIT and her brain capacity is already overloaded with my BULLSHIT. So yeah, before I kill her with my BULLSHIT, obviously I should stop.
I especially don’t like how she keeps telling my sister not to eat fat food or chocolate or unhealthy food. LIKE HELLO? Wasn’t this how it all started? Some doctor told me to avoid oily food because I went to see him for indigestion and gas inflammation or something. Bloatedness. So from there, I cut out oily food, and eventually I decided not to eat much at all. Of course, right now, it’s the OTHER TOTAL EXTREME AKA I EAT ALL AND ANTHING I WANT ANYTIME OF THE DAY.
What is fat really? What is unhealthy? Shouldn’t it be the quantity rather than substance? Oh whatever.
Okay, this is such a long post. I really wonder, am I able to fly off to another country on my own? Doesn’t matter where I’ll live or where I’ll stay or how I make a living. Or how the thought of it makes me both hopeful yet entirely afraid. Is it legal? If I am able to do that (paying cash of course for the air ticket), I know I would. I would..
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E-mail: EMAIL HERE
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30 day challenge / facts abt me <- aka more rl related
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