WALKIN' ON SUNSHINE WOAAAH
LLLena { Same Shit Different Day } ☂ 
I'm a big fan of television, movies and music. AND HANDSOME GUYS DUH I love discovering new tv shows, new fandoms, new artists. NEW FAVORITES TO UH STALK? LUST OVER?? I'm trying to start reading and writing again.
"I'm not as good as I used to be, but I'm okay"
"I'm not as good as I used to be, but I'll try harder"
Don't be afraid to dream a little bigger darlin'
I SALSA UR FACE
✌ robert downey jr. · ewan mcgregor · jude law · johnny depp · colin farrell · jim carrey · tom hanks · wentworth miller · kevin spacey · george clooney · jeff bridges · jeremy renner · geoffrey rush · simon pegg · nick frost · colin firth · brad pitt · nicolas cage · leonardo dicaprio · sean penn · paul rudd · jason segel · clint eastwood · paul newman · marlon brando · matt damon · mark wahlberg · aaron paul · tim roth · etc
Secondly, don't let anyone ever make you feel like you don't deserve what you want.
HE ATE A BANANA
✌ quentin tarantino · tim burton · martin scorsese · stanley kubrick · coen brothers · danny boyle · steven spielberg · edgar wright · robert rodriguez · roman polanski · sidney lumet · david fincher · christopher nolan · alfred hitchcock · etc
Taste me, drink my soul
Show me all the things that I shouldn't know
When there's a new moon on the rise
I had everything, opportunities for eternity
And I could belong to the night
TALK DIRTY TO ME
✌ SONS OF ANARCHY · parks and rec · happy endings · friends · the good wife · supernatural · prison break · true blood · band of brothers · psych · lie to me · pushing daisies · harper's island · how i met your mother · torchwood · sons of anarchy · breaking bad · dexter · the it crowd · the office · etc
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And I really miss what really did exist
When I held your throat so tight
And I miss the bus as it swerved from us
Almost came crashing to its side
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moved
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"I'd hate to see you out of control."
Dear Blogger, I'll let you in on a secret.
I'm not going to tell this to anyone. I have the best family and living conditions anyone could ask for.
There's always a "but", and the "but" here is me. I abuse the good things that I already have, and I take advantage of them. Because it's so hard to care for others; there are so many responsibilities and commitments in life that I just run away from them all.
As I write this, I know I don't want to live life anymore. I can think of so many good reasons why I would be better off dead, but there's not one reason convincing enough to get me to stay. You see, everything I've tried, I've also failed at and given up on. I don't know if it's my horoscope being Leo or the fact that I'm just an idiot, but I always let me pride and ego get at me. There's also this thing called anxiety. Anxiety I cannot handle. It eats at everything I do, and the only way I cope with it is to destroy myself via binging.
Even the simplest of decisions like going out, I find myself spending large amounts of time considering it. In the end, 75% of the time, the "anxiety" wins out, and I stay at home instead, deeply regretting my decision. I don't know if it's anxiety, or I'm just using anxiety as a lame excuse out of my failures. I have this tendency to make excuses for myself, and I never hesitate to push the blame.
My problem has obviously nothing to do with food or eating, but I use eating to cope with pretty much everything. Good feelings, disappointment, bad feelings- you name it.
It's been one whole gigantic week since I went for my yoga class. I enjoy the yoga classes a lot. I really do. It always leaves me feeling so refreshed and energetic and pumped up and positive. I feel like I'm floating. Why, you ask, did I not return for an entire week, after I only started trying out yoga for one week? And I didn't even go consecutive days during that one week.
The answer, I don't even know. Although, I think honestly I do. It probably has got to do with fear. Yeah, I don't know what I'm fearful about, but this anxiety before classes is preventing me from even stepping out of the house. My mind will not shut up. It keeps vomiting out reasons and thoughts that try to hold me back from leaving the house. I cannot get in touch with my body. My mind is that overpowering. That is probably why I can eat high fat high calorie foods all day without stopping or feeling full. I have completely lost touch with myself. My mind acts like it's been invaded by some parasite and is now under the control of some mysterious dark forces.
Today, I was supposed to go for my yoga class, just like the previous few days. The difference with today and the past few days is that I really wanted to go today. But when I woke up, I felt groggy and hesitant, and I battled with my mind up till the very minute I had to cancel my class. Yes, this online booking and online canceling thing? It's a fucking pain in the ass. At least for me. I can easily cancel with just one click, as long as it's two hours before my class. As you can guess, today, I clicked that stupid fucking cancel button exactly the minute before the "deadline". Up till that very minute, I was fighting a dangerous war in my head. Throughout my bath, my preparing to go out, my sitting around being lazy, I kept giving myself reasons to make myself go for my yoga class.
"You will thank yourself later!"
"Better today than a week later!"
"Yes, you are fucking fat, and you've put on tons and tons of weight this week, but WHO CARES right? Just go!"
"Don't even think about it, just go!"
"You've already booked, you cannot cancel! Just go!"
"It's only Hatha1 and Vinyasa1. Even though it's been a week since your last class, you'll be fine. Just go!!"
"Stop, you're going to regret it"
"Which would you rather do? Stay at home and get fatter or go out and feel better by tonight?"
"Just imagine how it'd be like staying at home moping and whining again today!! Just imagine it! You are sick tired of binging and staying at home. FUCKING GO ALREADY!"
And all the while, my mind throws back very convincing replies. I don't even know where all these came from. They just materialized and somehow were strong enough to make me change my mind.
"But what if you embarrass yourself again during the class?"
"Hot classes are better, your body is more flexible!"
"Oh no, it's Kenny's class. That guy is a god with arm balances and you're going to die."
"But I think I feel like eating..."
"Are you sure half an hour's of rest in between class is enough?"
"What if you can't catch up"
"What if you WHAT IF YOU WHAAAAAT IF YOUUUUU"
Basically, a lot of insecurities and nonsense. None of it logical, but every bit of it so so powerful.
You see, I have this ALL OR NOTHING mindset which drives me crazy. I can't just attend one class. I need to attend at least two or three. Even more when I just missed seven days worth of classes and have put on much FAT. Also, my classes have to be perfect. I have to do everything exactly as the teacher does it or instruct it. Otherwise, I feel like complete ass. And sometimes, I can't connect with myself, can't focus, and I lose balance. Then I would be extremely pissed off. Sometimes, I disappoint myself. Other times, I worry and worry and worry and all I want to do is to impress, even though it's just a fucking class and I should be there to learn and improve.
HELLO EGO MUCH? There's this facebook group that says "WE COSPLAY TO EXPRESS, NOT TO IMPRESS". Like fucking shit, you think you actually believe that you honestly, honestly, true to yourself honestly cosplay not to impress? Everyone wants to look good. Be it academically, physically, or just impression wise (like I don't know, having good manners, being polite and kind and forgiving and contributing to charity) We all have a public image to upkeep, and all of us are always competing with each other. That's how ugly humans are. Everyone does things for a reason. Everything happens for a reason. No one donates money out of the pure goodness of their hearts. Even rich tai tais donate money to gain public respect or something. You might say that the poor have nothing to compete about, or any selfish reasons.. Well that, I guess I don't know.
I mean, of course we truly care for our family members. But then in the end, the most important thing is ourselves. We're all made like that.
Back on topic to ME. Sometimes, I think I would make a darn good psychologist, not because I want to learn psychology to understand myself or to understand humans better. But because most of the time I feel like I know what's happening to me deep down. I just refuse to admit/accept it. I mean, all the ways of coping and suggestions and blahblah shit that psychologists often advice you on? I already know all that! Psychologists are just paid to offer common sense and a listening ear. Good money. Moreover, you think the psychologist really cares!? He or she has a gazillion other patients. Maybe he or she might care about the one patient that steals his or her heart. That shiny, beautiful patient. But whatever, the rest are just scum. I know psychologists would look down on their patients thinking, "HAH you failface, you can't even deal with stuff like that?!" Psychologists listen to others' problems and offer suggestions to stroke their own ego. They need to hear others' fail stories to feel confident about themselves.
Yeah anyway, I just want to end it all before I turn eighteen. I'm sure Pure Yoga would cancel my contract if I'm no longer living.. right? I don't want my mom to keep on paying and wasting her money. I don't want my family to deal with all my bullshit. I don't want to keep giving myself false hope that things will be okay.
People will always tell you, "Things will be okay! Hang in there!!" Right, I'll hang in there by tying a noose around my neck. Life is full of ups and downs. Just that my downs last 23 hours and my ups maybe just one minute of the day. The remainder is just static.
I know there probably is good in the world, but I don't fucking care. It's tiring to live, and when you have nothing to live for, it's pointless. I can think of so many things I want to do, but I'm incapable of doing. I'm being held back, and I can't let go of my past. What does that even mean? It's not like we can give ourselves amnesia with a blow to the head. And we are all stubborn creatures. I know I am. I'm stubborn and thickheaded in very bad ways. Some say stubbornness is a good thing. Because it makes you push on in life and follow your path to victory or whatever. Really? I think stubbornness is just refusing to accept things that don't go your way. Sometimes, people turn victorious, but is it really because they were right all along? Who determines if we are right or wrong? Do we determine that for ourselves? Maybe so, but then everyone would be right. I guess they would, if they didn't have weak self esteem and a hundred other people around them to tell them otherwise.
I guess I will never understand.
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E-mail: EMAIL HERE
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30 day challenge / facts abt me <- aka more rl related
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