love is just people there to hold you down
It's always like this. Whenever I want to blog about the good thing that happened yesterday, I can't. Because it life would have it in for me, I need to blog about the bad shit that happened today first.
Tomorrow, I am actually supposed to go for this musical theatre part time course. It's only a trial first class and it's free and it's nothing serious. It's a leisure kind of class for adults to take time off from work to relax and play. But I got nervous, again. I binged, again. Now I don't think I will be going anymore. Everything is over. I am so depressed and very, very tired right now. But I just ate two whole large containers of sugary cereal. The huge family sized boxes that people buy to keep for months. I finish them in one hour.
I'm not even in the mood to blog about that anymore. I'm so tired. I know what I want to do now. Just eat all the remaining of my medication later and see what happens. It's not like I want to die. I just don't know how to live.
These few days I'm so emotional. I keep crying, although you could say there are times when I am happier. I went out with a friend on thursday, as I mentioned before. We did get to talk, and I did do some self realization and stuff. I was looking forward to starting my workouts at pure fitness but that never came. I was looking forward to tomorrow trying out the theatre class, but now it's never going to come. I'm never going to be ready and I'm never going to succeed as long as I keep holding myself back. I'm so tired of that. I don't know how to live.
This weekend I made plans, and was very near to cancelling them all, since those plans were only to my sister and cousin. I went out with them anyway still, and I'm glad for that.
I typed a really long winded entry, so I'm going to try and summarize it here.
- Meet. Lakeside MRT 3.45PM Jeran(Cousin), Mandy(Sister), and ME
- Train to Bugis MRT
- Watched Salt at ILUMA Filmgarde \o/ { Mandy and Jeran says Salt's the best show they ever watched. I stick with Inception. Then again my concentration during Salt wasn't 100% due to lack of sleep }
- Freezing, decided to walk to Bras Basah. Mandy wanted to walkwalk Artfriends/Popular
- What luck. My bad. Artfriends closes early during weekends
- Went to Pops instead
- Very tiring staircase climbing
- Very fun stationery browsing { reminds me of my stationery buying days when I loved to hoard hoard hoard till I broke my wallet }
- Deciding where to makan
- Jeran says somewhere near the Toy Museum got chicken rice
- End up we just walk to Suntec { for Toys R Us }
- Mandy and Jeran clearly enjoying the freedom
- I'm clearly enjoying having someone to walk to places with { usually if I walk with my mom, her knees will either get in the way, or it'll be that she'll complain }
- So we reach Suntec and eat at the food court
- Then we go to Toys R Us and Mandy is having a hard time deciding what Barbie products to buy
- She really is like me. I used to spend my savings on Barbie products and stationery.. and CDs of course. Last time stupid, don't know how to torrent and download from online.
- Then we go arcade. Shoot some hoops, take some neoprints. Why is it I'm always the one who lacks creativity with decorating neoprints?! Lol.
- Went to carrefour. Jeran wanted coffee. Coffee. Coffeeee. They didn't offer much choices.
- So we went to search for Starbucks. I thought at the end have. Walk all the way only got TCC.
- Long story short, we went to 7 eleven instead
- It was only when we crossed the citylink and were at city hall MRT that we saw Starbucks at Raffles Place.
- Took the MRT back. Jeran stayed over at our place.
SUNDAY!
- Woke up, walked to Jurong Point with Jeran, since Mandy was already there having tuition class, and my mom and brother (Bryan) weren't leaving so early (only an hour later).
- Jeran is really accommodating. He doesn't mind anything. He doesn't mind walking under the hot sun with my to Jurong Point just because I feel like it. I like.
- We went there arcade only a few mins before we met with my mom and sis already. Couldn't play much anyway. We were both brokersarous.
- Got 10 bucks from mom. Played some racing game that ate up twice the amount it should all because some stupid guy joined in half way (it was a combined racing game thing i think???) anyhow, the JP arcade sucks). So we were broke again and couldn't play jubeat.
- Met up with the others again, went to the library. Jeran used the computers there to surf the net.
- I tried borrowing some books and deviated away from the rest.
- Blah blah and we went back home eventually, with plans to go to the park/out again shopping marina barragge/west coast park/east coast park in the evening.
- The weather after didn't look good though. Moreover, my dad wasn't picking up his phone and we didn't have a lift to anywhere so we ended up with plans back to Jurong Point again. Except to Jurong Point Safra. Bryan and mom ere going swimming. Rest of us were going to play pool.
- First time for Mandy and I
- It was fun, don't know if we were playing by the right rules but wtv. This short post to be updated because i'm feeling both tiredd FUUUUUUUUUUUULLLLLLLL and very angry and upset right now. Incoherent,
I want to smash something?
A little bit more coherent now but..
You know sometimes I keep thinking back to this question this friend asked last thurs when i told her i took more of the meds than i was supposed to. i mean, weren't i afraid of the side effects? tbh, i was just taking my chances that's the only way you gonna feel alive right? i said, if dr lee gave me that much amt of pills, surely she's knows that amt isn't high enough to kill me even if i take them all
even if she's wrong, i'm prepare all right? there's nothing else i live for. if i die, i die. it's a pretty stupid way of course. there's no thrill, no adrenaline. it's not like racing or speeding 200km/h in a car
i would love to do that
steal someone's racing bike and speed 50km/h or more whichever fucking possible.
that's the only way you gonna feel alive baby. even if it kills you.
then on the other hand, stupid as it sounds, i'm thinkin, i love the things i love so much. you know? some of the things i can't let go off. but it's so disgusting. it's very very very very very very hideously disgusting. because what comes to mind first when i think of these things AREN'T FAMILY!?!?!?!?! idk why tell me why idiots tell me why. these things, i think of the people i admire.
maybe maybe maybe it's because these people these celebrities or idols, in my mind, i know them only as perfect and i only have 2000000% respect for them. hence i only have love and admiration for them. so i only feel so regretful and sad that i won't see no more of them.
i know my family my true family loves me best. but i keep doubting that? i keep thinking i keep knowing they always second guess me because of who i am. celebs and people i admire don't know me at all they don;t know my faults and weaknesses and flaws and mistakes and people can't help it you can't help you can';t control the way you yourself sees things. you dont' contrl your own perception.
which is why i'll always be their failure. can;t change that!!! no matter how much they force themselves to accept it, deep down, their subconscious... everytime they look at me it's already THERRRREEEEEEEEEEEOKAY MOTHERFUCKER THE JUDGMEN T IS ALREASDY FUCIKING SET
tonigh i eat them all. the pills. just you sorry ass fucjubg watch
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