WALKIN' ON SUNSHINE WOAAAH
LLLena { Same Shit Different Day } ☂ 
I'm a big fan of television, movies and music. AND HANDSOME GUYS DUH I love discovering new tv shows, new fandoms, new artists. NEW FAVORITES TO UH STALK? LUST OVER?? I'm trying to start reading and writing again.
"I'm not as good as I used to be, but I'm okay"
"I'm not as good as I used to be, but I'll try harder"
Don't be afraid to dream a little bigger darlin'
I SALSA UR FACE
✌ robert downey jr. · ewan mcgregor · jude law · johnny depp · colin farrell · jim carrey · tom hanks · wentworth miller · kevin spacey · george clooney · jeff bridges · jeremy renner · geoffrey rush · simon pegg · nick frost · colin firth · brad pitt · nicolas cage · leonardo dicaprio · sean penn · paul rudd · jason segel · clint eastwood · paul newman · marlon brando · matt damon · mark wahlberg · aaron paul · tim roth · etc
Secondly, don't let anyone ever make you feel like you don't deserve what you want.
HE ATE A BANANA
✌ quentin tarantino · tim burton · martin scorsese · stanley kubrick · coen brothers · danny boyle · steven spielberg · edgar wright · robert rodriguez · roman polanski · sidney lumet · david fincher · christopher nolan · alfred hitchcock · etc
Taste me, drink my soul
Show me all the things that I shouldn't know
When there's a new moon on the rise
I had everything, opportunities for eternity
And I could belong to the night
TALK DIRTY TO ME
✌ SONS OF ANARCHY · parks and rec · happy endings · friends · the good wife · supernatural · prison break · true blood · band of brothers · psych · lie to me · pushing daisies · harper's island · how i met your mother · torchwood · sons of anarchy · breaking bad · dexter · the it crowd · the office · etc
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And I really miss what really did exist
When I held your throat so tight
And I miss the bus as it swerved from us
Almost came crashing to its side
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moved
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"Just gonna stand there and watch me burn"
Dear Dr Lee
I know you are a human being and you are entitled to your own opinions and judgments and you definitely know a lot better than I do. You are a doctor, after all, and I am just one of the millions of patients that you have been seeing and are currently seeing. In this world, all that we do, think, and speak will be judged by the billions of competitors surrounding us. These competitors we sometimes call our friends, yet sometimes we turn around and call our enemies. Point is, to each his own. It's very rare that someone really has your back. Even if that someone does have your back and loves you very much, that someone is not you. That someone has that someone's own mindset and thinking and that someone would from time to time disagree with the way you think. Hence, that would affect that someone's impression of you, if only by 0.00001%. Over time, that percentage just builds up. Relationships crash and boom, depending on how people work things out.
Point is, we never stop judging each other. Actually, that's not what I really wanted to say to you. I have a problem with needing to be direct and to the point.
I wanted to say, I realized today, one of the reasons why I get nervous the day before seeing you, is perhaps probably because you judge me and whatever I say in every appointment. The atmosphere in the room is always very bad. I know you're a very kind person, and as a doctor, you always do your very best each day to help every one of your patients. I'm writing this only to express how I feel, and why I think I might be feeling anxious about appointments. That is all. This has in no way anything to do with you or the way you see your patients.
See, there is no way doctors and patients can ever have this friend to friend relationship of course. Sometimes, I feel like I don't even know if I should be honest with you, because everything I say will bounce right back to slap me in the face.
All right, I know I have this reputation for having skipped out on a couple of my past appointments with you and the psychologist. I know it's been 10 months since I last saw you (but honestly, I seriously just forgot to make an appointment to go back). I know I have stopped my medication on my own in the past. I know I did things that went against your advice. As a doctor, I know it feels like your advice isn't trusted.. or something like that. All you want is for the patient to recover, but the patient is stubborn and won't listen. Thus, you feel like you cannot help this patient.
You don't have to rub it in my face every time regardless. I know I haven't been regular with my appointments and medication, but I came back, didn't I? Isn't that a sign itself that I want to seek your help again? I know you think I only came back because I needed a letter explaining why I wasn't fit for physical exercise so I could suspend my stupid yoga membership for one month. But to be honest, that wasn't really what I came back for. I did want to help myself.
You asked if I wanted to start seeing you regularly again, and I said "Yeah.. okay." You took that as a half hearted answer, and commented that it felt as if you were forcing me to start seeing you again. I have to say, I was actually very offended by that. I couldn't possibly have answered that in a million other ways, could I? Is there anything so exciting about coming back? A "Yeah.. okay." is a "Yeah.. okay." and that is that. If I didn't want to go back, no amount of forcing me would bring me back jsyk.
Besides, I'm older now. I'm not young like I was when I first started seeing you. I was really angry then, and I didn't want anything to do with you or the stupid program. Right now, I do wish I had found the program instead of going to KK Hospital because I feel like I could have saved myself I lot of trouble if I hadn't had to deal with their goddamn inexperience and ignorance with EDs.
Either way, this week, my medication schedule was irregular again. I've been feeling very low, partly due to my period, mostly due to again-I-don't-know-what, and I just didn't feel like taking the medication. Just like I "didn't feel like" going to my yoga or going out or going to school or going anywhere else. I see what you mean. If I can't even take my own medicine, how can I even get a job or take classes?
See, I don't know if I should tell you this, because you're just going to bitch at me again. Then my mom and my dad is going to bitch at me and blahblahblah. I know it's all in my hands. Okay.
Also, your prescription said to take 100mg (1 tablet) per day. I took 200mg (2 tablets) per day. Sometimes 300mg. I just felt it wasn't enough, okay? Besides, there was a typoerror in the prescription I think, and I was given 20 tablets instead of 10 tablets for 10 days (and I paid for 20 tablets, of course). So obviously, I would self medicate on the higher dosage, since the week before I even went back to see you, I was already taking 400-500mg (with the extra tablets leftover from last year).
When I told you this, you were clearly a little upset. I thought honestly would score me some points, but clearly it didn't.
I'm not sure whether to tell you what tomorrow.
I just wish you would let go of the fact that I was inconsistent with my appointments in the past? I know I'm like "sometimes you see me, sometimes you don't" and I'm not responsible and I can't help myself if I don't show up for my appointments. But really? That is so not cool. I don't like you telling me that over and over and over again.
Seriously.
I don't usually get upset easily (except when I'm at home, because everything just frustrates the hell out of me when I'm in the wrong mood- actually, I don't really get upset at home. I just get upset when my mom yells at me about my ocd. Or when I get paranoid and feel everything is so clearly fucking dirty. Or when my washing rituals get interrupted.). I don't mind a lot of things, and as long as it doesn't have to do with cleanliness and you don't rub your hands over me, I won't be a bitch about it.
But when people tell me the same thing more than TWICE, I feel like I want to punch them in the face. (I honestly really hope I'm not a broken record player myself. If I am, I will very happily punch myself to death. But anyway..)
I think usually people do hear you speak, so there's no need to tell them a second time unless it's something very fucking marvelously awesome like elephants and babies. If they do something wrong, and they make the same mistake again, it's okay to tell them, but chances are they realize that already, and inside, the disappointment and possibly the guilt and anger has already started to gnaw at their heart.
So please, do them a favor all right? Just leave them alone please. |
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E-mail: EMAIL HERE
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30 day challenge / facts abt me <- aka more rl related
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