WALKIN' ON SUNSHINE WOAAAH
LLLena { Same Shit Different Day } ☂ 
I'm a big fan of television, movies and music. AND HANDSOME GUYS DUH I love discovering new tv shows, new fandoms, new artists. NEW FAVORITES TO UH STALK? LUST OVER?? I'm trying to start reading and writing again.
"I'm not as good as I used to be, but I'm okay"
"I'm not as good as I used to be, but I'll try harder"
Don't be afraid to dream a little bigger darlin'
I SALSA UR FACE
✌ robert downey jr. · ewan mcgregor · jude law · johnny depp · colin farrell · jim carrey · tom hanks · wentworth miller · kevin spacey · george clooney · jeff bridges · jeremy renner · geoffrey rush · simon pegg · nick frost · colin firth · brad pitt · nicolas cage · leonardo dicaprio · sean penn · paul rudd · jason segel · clint eastwood · paul newman · marlon brando · matt damon · mark wahlberg · aaron paul · tim roth · etc
Secondly, don't let anyone ever make you feel like you don't deserve what you want.
HE ATE A BANANA
✌ quentin tarantino · tim burton · martin scorsese · stanley kubrick · coen brothers · danny boyle · steven spielberg · edgar wright · robert rodriguez · roman polanski · sidney lumet · david fincher · christopher nolan · alfred hitchcock · etc
Taste me, drink my soul
Show me all the things that I shouldn't know
When there's a new moon on the rise
I had everything, opportunities for eternity
And I could belong to the night
TALK DIRTY TO ME
✌ SONS OF ANARCHY · parks and rec · happy endings · friends · the good wife · supernatural · prison break · true blood · band of brothers · psych · lie to me · pushing daisies · harper's island · how i met your mother · torchwood · sons of anarchy · breaking bad · dexter · the it crowd · the office · etc
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And I really miss what really did exist
When I held your throat so tight
And I miss the bus as it swerved from us
Almost came crashing to its side
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moved
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"Because you're breaking my heart."
I did a very bad thing today.
Over the weekend, I experienced my period. I know, it's a fairly common thing to happen to a woman. But that doesn't mean I have to enjoy it. In retrospect, I very much despise it. I detest it. I want to burn it with hellfire and then throw it's ashes into the much ferocious volcano to ever exist so that it would forever perish. That is if periods were human beings.
My period sucks.
My periods used to come and go within the span of two days. You would say I was lucky, but even then, during those two tortuous days, I already felt like death. As of now, it's been staying it's third onto fourth day already, and it's flow has been very unforgiving. It makes me mad, it makes me uptight, it makes me tense. I feel like I have to be stuck in one position for the entirety of the day. I feel like I cannot feel anything anymore except for which is the most uncomfortable tinge of the slightest trickle of blood seeping into the pad EW. I feel like everyfuckingthing is so goddamn bloody dirty and I have to wash everything consistently. I keep going to the toilet and yes I know. I am overreacting, blah blah. I am dealing it it worse than I would be dealing with a zombie outbreak.
But hey! What if the zombies are from the future? They got technology and information the zombies of the 21st century do not have? They shrunk themselves and I don't fucking know how but they are now taking over the planet from women's vayjayjays. Okay, I did not totally just type that. I am so grossed out.
I am feeling so bloated and terribad, but somehow, I've managed to keep on eating to feed my idiotic hormones. I am an incorrigible bastard. Bastard! Basteeerds.
So that was the past few days.
Also, it rained.
Today evening I decided to cycle with my dad. I didn't know he was feeling not too well. I should have known, maybe. I mean, my dad really works very hard. Being the only one who has to support the whole family. My brother's only 6. My sister's only 12. I'm already 18 but I'm useless. I know every family has their own problems and they all have to just make it work. I know my dad is doing everything he can. So is my mom.
Being a mom and a dad to your children is not simple at all. Because it's not just about earning money and giving them education and food and shelter and then "growing them up" like you grow plants or keep animals. There are underlying responsibilities to the responsibilities that are general. I don't know how to put it. But let's just say there are parents, and there are parents.
Yes, I am incredibly thankful my parents are very parents parents parents in the sense that they're the best of best parents kind of best parents.
My dad actually hears the washing rituals I do every night. Calling it a ritual sounds entirely stupid, but also kinda hilarious, so I'll call it a ritual. It's a thing I can't not do before I sleep? I've got to wash my face, wash my arms, wash my feet or whatever. I've already showered, but then I still have to do those. In the past, I had to stretch my back, stretch left right or whatever. It never leaves you, it just changes its form. It's like a shapeshifter, you know? It changes its shape to avoid being detected. It doesn't want to be exterminated.
It's a coping mechanism..? Or is it. We will always find ways to cope with all things unpleasant. Even the simplest bit of things. We might procrastinate. I guess we actually procrastinate. I don't even read any bits of psychology so I don't understand shit about what I'm talking about of if I am even 0.01% close to making sense/being right.. but I'll just carry on blabbering because that makes me happy.
I think our mind (subconscious) works in mind maps. Which is why I really need to start thinking that way too. We see or encounter a certain thing like blood! And our subconscious automatically expands out to all the links that span out from blood. Blood -> pain -> fear -> cry -> shame -> sjflasjdf except we think in visual we think in memories and experiences, not words.. nothing so clear cut. I guess.
If we can identify these links, if I can identify why on goddamn earth I do so many stupid regrettable things, I would be a remarkable man.
Back on topic. I got frustrated like mad about halfway through our ride, not realizing my dad was probably just tired. He was shifting around with his gears, and I thought he was just trying to play around with this advice some old man (according to my dad, the old man looked like someone who could be called an experienced cyclist who knew what he was talking about) offered him at the bicycle repair shop. Our speed was disappointing, to me, to say the least. Because our bicycles are so different (weight, built, gears, EVERYTHING since LOL secondhand secondhand secondhand), our fitness levels are obviously different, and sometimes I just get so upset having to try to match our speeds. It wasn't all so bad until we were going up one slope and I just really wanted to push through, but because he slowed down and stopped at the top, I had to brake too. I just wanted to crash something right then.
I am not fed up with him. I just wish I could do so much better.
We went back, I washed up, and planned my daily night ritual of excessive overwashing. Yes, I knew it was too much. But I had to do it. I just couldn't do it in front of my dad. And yet there he was, still sitting in the dining room reading his book. I was purposely delaying earlier on hoping he would go to bed already. I did a bit of laundry, trying to keep my patience in check while waiting for him to go to bed. Apparently, he had closed his eyes, but he was still sitting there.
I couldn't do anything till he went to the room. The more I waited, the more annoyed I got. The more annoyed I got, the more I felt like I needed to wash. Anyhow, I can't exactly recall the sequence in which things happened, but he got up and we had a talk. Well, he approached and wanted to talk.
I very rudely tuned out most of the conversation because I was too upset. All I could think about was what I needed to do because my face was so goddamn bloody oily and my pad was so bloody itchy (seriously tampons?! how do I use those things? isn't it more disgusting to stick those things inside? blood is only nice when it bleeds from the wrist and no where else)
I ended up pacing around the living room for a few seconds before deciding to take the anxiety medicine I got from the doctor the other day. She's right. It can be addictive. Already I wanted a million dollars so I could buy a gazillion of those pills. They are not effective enough at that prescribed dosage of 0.5 pill HAHAHA what a fucking joke. Obviously, her prescription is for like a mild anxiety, a one time fix. A temporary fix. However, it doesn't seem to last. Because as our "talk" continues, I begin to get truly madly flustered-- truly madly pissed. Okay, in the medicine's defense, I guessed it was for fixing anxiety, not agitation. So perhaps that is why it backfired. But still, you'd think perhaps it would soothe my nerves a little more? I really felt like I could rip things apart if I were alone in the house man. If I was alone, I would probably start a small fire of photographs. Then take the lift down, run around the block, take the lift up to the roof top and idk... throw burnt photographs down.
From our "talk", although I was only partly present, I was present. I did hear what he had to say. You know, honestly speaking, I would be more attentive if he didn't repeat himself so much during his talks. I know we don't do this kind of "lecture" talks so often anymore thank god but he's always making his point then elaborating, then making the point and elaborating again! It's a broken record, and there's only so many number of times I can hear the same.. THING before I self combust and blow smoke out my ears.
I'm sorry I was distracted with doodling and messing around with every distraction I could find so I could try to avoid eye contact.. but when you've done something wrong, isn't it cheeky to look someone in the eye and say, yes okay, or whatever? I don't know hot to react. I'm overloaded with guilt. Because I CANNOT DEAL WITH THE FUCKING GUILT AND SHAME AND EVERY GODDAMN BASICALLY JUST GUILTY FEELING, I GET ANGRY OKAY??
Nobody understands that.
I am totally okay with being confronted. I just can't live with myself. I can't live with this situation. Living in a house where I'm eight fucking teen and I'm 100% spoonfed. You want to know what the most terrible thing is? They all love and care for me too much. My dad says his priority is to help me overcome this. Something along the lines of that.. Good intentions, kind intentions.. He says he prays for me every night, and hopes I do the same for myself.
He sleeps 6 hours a night, wakes up, fetches my sister to school, makes breakfast, reads the paper, gets ready for work, gets my brother to school. Goes to work. My mom helps him out in the office. They go for lunch. He fetches my sister back home if she's not staying back. He's at work the whole day running up and down all over Singapore depending on where and when work calls, attending to customers' every whim and fancy.
I think it's just this medicine.
I think of all this. I just want to cry.
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30 day challenge / facts abt me <- aka more rl related
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