WALKIN' ON SUNSHINE WOAAAH

LLLena { Same Shit Different Day } ☂

I'm a big fan of television, movies and music. ~~AND HANDSOME GUYS DUH~~ I love discovering new tv shows, new fandoms, new artists. ~~NEW FAVORITES TO UH STALK? LUST OVER??~~ I'm trying to start reading and writing again.

"I'm not as good as I used to be, but I'm okay"
"I'm not as good as I used to be, but I'll try harder"

Don't be afraid to dream a little bigger darlin'

I SALSA UR FACE

✌ robert downey jr. · ewan mcgregor · jude law · johnny depp · colin farrell · jim carrey · tom hanks · wentworth miller · kevin spacey · george clooney · jeff bridges · jeremy renner · geoffrey rush · simon pegg · nick frost · colin firth · brad pitt · nicolas cage · leonardo dicaprio · sean penn · paul rudd · jason segel · clint eastwood · paul newman · marlon brando · matt damon · mark wahlberg · aaron paul · tim roth · etc

Secondly, don't let anyone ever make you feel like you don't deserve what you want.

HE ATE A BANANA

✌ quentin tarantino · tim burton · martin scorsese · stanley kubrick · coen brothers · danny boyle · steven spielberg · edgar wright · robert rodriguez · roman polanski · sidney lumet · david fincher · christopher nolan · alfred hitchcock · etc

Taste me, drink my soul
Show me all the things that I shouldn't know
When there's a new moon on the rise
I had everything, opportunities for eternity
And I could belong to the night

TALK DIRTY TO ME

✌ SONS OF ANARCHY · parks and rec · happy endings · friends · the good wife · supernatural · prison break · true blood · band of brothers · psych · lie to me · pushing daisies · harper's island · how i met your mother · torchwood · sons of anarchy · breaking bad · dexter · the it crowd · the office · etc

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And I really miss what really did exist
When I held your throat so tight
And I miss the bus as it swerved from us
Almost came crashing to its side

moved

OMG BREAKING BAD 2.13. SKYLER, IDK, I'M SORRY BUT HOW COULD YOU!? EVERYTHING WALT DID, HE DID FOR THE FAMILY. YOU NEVER TRY TO UNDERSTAND FFF.

9.09.2010

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"So just give it a little more time"

Death, death isn't just all that simple. It isn't neat. It isn't courageous. It isn't funny. Life isn't something to be taken lightly. Your mother carried you for nine months, and she took care of you since you were born. This isn't the way to thank her. You were given life, it is a wonderful thing. No matter how much crap you feel or how much bs the universe or whatever has spat at you- you may think it's easier to die, it's so quick and wow it puts an end to everything- but really? Right down to it, I think death is scary. Leaving and never coming back is scary. Watching someone else die is scary. It really isn't something to take so lightly.

What about the people around you- how they will have to pay for your decision of taking the easy way out. They will live their whole lives with this.. baggage. It will affect them. No matter how much time is able to heal, it isn't able to completely rid them of everything.

And when your time really comes, you want to go in peace. You'd want to be able to look back and feel thankful for everything that's happened. You'd want to be satisfied of the life you had lived. They say your entire life flashes before your eyes before you die. If you had only lived your entire life full of regrets, passing on would be depressing.

I know you always feel like shit in the morning and you automatically just by default decide not to go out because you don't feel like it. You think that you have nothing you can wear and you treat this extreme weight gain like a huge disability. It is terrible, the weight gain, and the totally pregnant gut. Even when empty, your stomach outstretches so far you can't see your feet without completely bending over. It's heavy, and it's awful. But you're making things worse by continuing this dreadful habitual routines. You can't face people, but you have to throw away your pride and your being over conscious about other people looking at you. They really do not care. They don't.

You are you and you live your life however the shit you want to live your life. Don't let anything stop you don't let anyone tell you what you can't do don't let anyone make you feel like you don't deserve what you want. That includes yourself. Whatever right? Fat? Obese? Just slowly get adjusted back into a normal lifestyle and get rid of all the unhealthly eating habits and sitting around everyday. It takes time to recover from all this, but you cannot give up.

There's only like 3 months plus till 2011. 2011 is a new start and will be a good year. Do you want to start the year feeling the same way you do now? Do you want to start the new year looking the same way you do now? Use this 3 months and get yourself back on track. 3 months is a short time still, but regardless, it's better than not doing anything. You have to help yourself right? All the time you are so pampered and spoiled and you get everything without needing to even leave the computer or your food. Your parents shelter you with everything, they pay for everything and they supply you with an enormous amount of food. They buy everything for you without you even needing to ask. Is this really what you want your whole life? They cannot continue to do this forever. You'd feel much better of yourself if you could make your own money and support yourself. You're already an adult, it's not okay to stay like this. Grow up for god's sake and take some responsibility. You're too soft on yourself you don't even care and everyone else doesn't know how to help you they just give in all the time. God, you're such a fucking asshole, you're such a bitch. You have other people doing things for you. Your grandma even goes all the way to the temple just to boil some drink for you. You don't take responsibility for anything. When's the last time you actually got something done? Your mom asks you to type a simple email and you ask her to do it herself. You don't do any housework. You don't fetch your brother home from school. You don't contribute in any way at all. God, you're such a fucking bitch.

You're a freeloader and you're a no lifer and do you want to forever be remembered as "the one who couldn't"? The one who eats and eats all day and sits on her ass and the "good for nothing bastard of a daughter that can't take care of herself and sucks the life out of her family that useless goddamn bitch"?

Wow, you're incredibly. You know, what you've wasted and have been doing so far.. your family hasn't given up on you, but girl, it's only a matter of time. People get frustrated after trying for so long. Five more years down the road, you'd be this 100kg blob of fat sitting in the room with completely no life no soul and you wouldn't be able to fix anything by then. It's still not too late, you need to fix this. Don't wait till you get kicked out of the house and you cause problems for the family that you decide to fix yourself.

We all procastinate on things. But this isn't something you sit and wait on. Nothing gets done magically there is no genie no spiritual powers at work, nothing. You have to count on yourself. You have to do it yourself. But you're not alone. There'll always be people around you. You just got to connect with them when you need to. But ultimately, it has to be you who helps herself first, doesn't it?

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"Light my tears on fire"

Strawberries! These are so adorably shaped.

Bagels of all kinds. I want them all.

Dear future self, please read this on Sunday, the 12th of September, when your period has ended.

The good and bad feelings will come and go. The good and bad days will come and go. Today has been incredibly shitty, but all the more you need to get out of the house. You don't treat yourself well. You don't even care. You munch and munch and stuff yourself with food all day, everyday. Your stomach cannot take it, but you don't care. You don't care that you're going to sleep in one hour, and it's 3am and you're still eating and eating. You don't care that you've already eaten a week's worth of food in one afternoon- you're still eating.

Think about it, do you want to be referred to as "the fat sister"? Yesterday, you looked in the mirror, and you were very shocked by the image of yourself. For once, since early primary school years, you're obese again. You never thought it would come to this, did you? It's a wake up call. You've always said you wouldn't let yourself go to become this big, but now you have.

Let's put that aside for now. Yesterday, there were some few minutes in the evening when you felt like you really wanted to get out of this. You said, when your period ended, you would get out and look for a job. You are obese, but you still need to get your life back. Stop thinking that you need to lose weight first before getting a job/taking a course/letting yourself out in public because that is so not going to happen without you stepping out of the house first.

I know you want to ignore this for as long as possible and do the same shit every day but you should know that this is not the way. Inside there's still a part of you that wants things to go back to normal, no matter how difficult it is.

If you think about it, in the past, you gave up too easily. In the past, when you had lesser problems and lesser things to worry about, and when it'd only been lesser few months since you left the house, you decided to give up already. Look what good that did you. Now, you're far worse than you've ever, ever been, in all aspects of life. Think about what would be of you next year if you continue to let this be. You would be 100% disabled, dangerously obese and unable to even move anything.

You keep thinking, oh no way, it wouldn't come to that. No way, you still had time to fuck around but truth is you've already wasted your entire youth fucking around. Everyone you grew up with will be taking their A levels this year, or graduating from polytechnic the next year. You're incredibly jealous but what's that going to do.

Anyway, just remember, just get a job. Get a job, and try to go back to the yoga for fuck's sake. It's been months since you last went. Your mom is paying for that shit.

Lena

PS. Limit internet usage to only max 2 hours per day. Right now you're using it 16 hours per day what the fucking hell.

9.08.2010

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"For you, I'd do anything"

White Collar summer finale is out! Time to do a two episode White Collar marathon of episode 2.08 and 2.09. TVD OUT TAMARRAH. Technically I will have to wait till Friday to watch it though, because of the difference in timezones. SPN and Dexter and HIMYM to come nearing the end of the month.

Which reminds me, it's already Sept and I am still as ever.

I had this really incredibly freak dream last night. I don't recall much of the details but in short, I was with some other people in this school and we were chasing down some demons or monsters. I really wish I could remember more of that, because I only vaguely recall that it was suspenseful and thrilling. However, somehow I got shot/attacked by one of the demons/monsters in the head.

I knew I was dying, my head was bleeding or something. I ended up in the toilet? I took a shower and washed my hair- which is pretty stupid if you ask me, considering that I had a major head wound. Anyhow, I think after I got attacked and realized death was inevitable, I didn't fight it. Oddly enough I didn't die straight away, and in fact, I dragged on for a few hours. I think in the dream I was surprised at that too, and for a moment I forgot I was going to die. Perhaps that's why I went home and took a shower.

I only remember I had washed my hair and I was standing under the running water in a daze. I felt weak and scared, because I wasn't sure if I was going to die and when it was going to happen. The water was running and I was just standing there. I think a part of me considered calling out for help so I could be taken to the hospital, but several hours had already passed since I was attacked.

The next thing I knew, my vision got blurry and it wasn't just because of the steam from the shower. I started to lose my balance and I crashed onto the bathroom floor. I never knew how to "faint" realistically when you lose consciousness, but in the dream, the way I fainted felt and looked so real- if that even makes any sense at all.

I remember regretting not calling out to my parents earlier; I regretted not taking myself to the hospital first thing after the incident happened. Apparently I was too stubborn or something, felt like it was going to happen- death- so there was no point in making any attempt to save myself. As I realize that I was really dying then, I feared what was to come, and I only wished I had more time.

Strangely enough I didn't wake up sweating. I recall that there was a lot of blood in the dream though. I wondered if it was because I am currently suffering the monthly period. I hated it, I hated the blood, it was gross and everything and maybe that was why I dreamed up a bloody scenario. (randomly, good god self, how could you still make the mistake of saying 'dreamt' instead of 'dreamed')