I'm a big fan of television, movies and music. AND HANDSOME GUYS DUH I love discovering new tv shows, new fandoms, new artists. NEW FAVORITES TO UH STALK? LUST OVER?? I'm trying to start reading and writing again.
"I'm not as good as I used to be, but I'm okay"
"I'm not as good as I used to be, but I'll try harder" Don't be afraid to dream a little bigger darlin'
I SALSA UR FACE
✌ robert downey jr. · ewan mcgregor · jude law · johnny depp · colin farrell · jim carrey · tom hanks · wentworth miller · kevin spacey · george clooney · jeff bridges · jeremy renner · geoffrey rush · simon pegg · nick frost · colin firth · brad pitt · nicolas cage · leonardo dicaprio · sean penn · paul rudd · jason segel · clint eastwood · paul newman · marlon brando · matt damon · mark wahlberg · aaron paul · tim roth · etc
Secondly, don't let anyone ever make you feel like you don't deserve what you want.
HE ATE A BANANA
✌ quentin tarantino · tim burton · martin scorsese · stanley kubrick · coen brothers · danny boyle · steven spielberg · edgar wright · robert rodriguez · roman polanski · sidney lumet · david fincher · christopher nolan · alfred hitchcock · etc
Taste me, drink my soul
Show me all the things that I shouldn't know
When there's a new moon on the rise
I had everything, opportunities for eternity
And I could belong to the night
TALK DIRTY TO ME
✌ SONS OF ANARCHY · parks and rec · happy endings · friends · the good wife · supernatural · prison break · true blood · band of brothers · psych · lie to me · pushing daisies · harper's island · how i met your mother · torchwood · sons of anarchy · breaking bad · dexter · the it crowd · the office · etc
Follow my blog with Bloglovin And I really miss what really did exist
When I held your throat so tight
And I miss the bus as it swerved from us
Almost came crashing to its side
"I need the darkness, someone please cut the lights"
The Arcade Fire - My Body Is A Cage
My body is a cage that keeps me
From dancing with the one I love
But my mind holds the key
My body is a cage that keeps me
From dancing with the one I love
But my mind holds the key
I'm standing on a stage
Of fear and self-doubt
It's a hollow play
But they'll clap anyway
My body is a cage that keeps me
From dancing with the one I love
But my mind holds the key
You're standing next to me
My mind holds the key
I'm living in an age
That calls darkness light
Though my language is dead
Still the shapes fill my head
I'm living in an age
Whose name I don't know
Though the fear keeps me moving
Still my heart beats so slow
My body is a cage that keeps me
From dancing with the one I love
But my mind holds the key
You're standing next to me
My mind holds the key
My body is a
My body is a cage
We take what we're given
Just because you've forgotten
That don't mean you're forgiven
I'm living in an age
That screams my name at night
But when I get to the doorway
There's no one in sight
My body is a cage that keeps me
From dancing with the one I love
But my mind holds the key
You're standing next to me
My mind holds the key
Set my spirit free
Set my spirit free
Set my body free
I am hopelessly in love with The Arcade Fire! The Arcade Fire and LCD Soundsystem are my current favorite bands.
Dear blog, I have the best grandma in the world, and I love her so much. She's extremely adorable, immensely lovable and she's incredibly youthful. When I was young, she took care of me while my parents were at work. That was a good number of years ago. I don't remember much from then, but I do recall her constantly buying me candy. She walked me to Kindergarten school. She brought me to the doctor when I was ill. I think we spent quite a lot of time together. She cooked dinner every night, and I would eat it in front of the television watching drama serials on channel 8. In the early years of Primary school, I would go to her house every day when school ended. One day I made a friend who was staying in the next block, and we often played together at the playground. I remember returning to her house one day (the details are a blur), but I could have sworn I saw a detached hand on the parapet just outside her house. Obviously, I was very spooked after. I never told anyone what I saw however. I just hid in one of the rooms and distracted myself.
I don't remember much from my childhood. The times with the maids and visiting my dad's parents. I do remember that one of the maids we had always taking me downstairs to buy chips and snacks though. 98% of my memories probably are food related. I think those were good times, nevertheless. We're happiest when we're kids. We're ignorant, innocent (more or less) and we probably don't doubt ourselves that much. We don't really have worries.
Food has always been largely involved in my life, I guess. I really ate a lot all throughout growing up. I still do. Back in Primary school, I used to take recess, and after school I'd have a "school bus ride" snack of oreos, chocolate chip cookies or sandwiches. Then I'd have a full plate of lunch at the student care, and a snack in the afternoon. I'd return home for dinner and supper. It was no wonder I was overweight. I never liked sports or exercise much either. I had bad coordination skills and I couldn't trust myself not to be a huge embarrassment. Still, I think I was much more active back then. At least I played around and ran about. I played badminton and basketball (very irregularly) at the student care center when others played too. I walked. I went out and shopped and I enjoyed myself. These days I just lock myself at home.
I always felt insecure, and I felt I was very bad at making friends. I don't think I have ever reached a stage of awkwardness that I am at now, however. Since I've been shut in so long, socializing is now a nightmare. Looking back, I think I could consider myself thankful that I did have friends. Maybe not so much in the early years of Primary school, but I still did have a friend. I may not have been the best friend ever throughout Primary school (immaturity and having caught between two friends who weren't exactly on good terms) but I think I was happy.
Actually, I think I was happy indeed. I did enjoy school, and life wasn't so bad. Even though I kind of hated the student care center, I still didn't mind going there. I had people to play with. I don't know how it all went wrong, but I do know I want my life back. 90% of the time right now, I'm feeling like I don't even want to step out of the house. Every time I try to get positive or happy, I end up with weeks of bad days to follow. I think the issue here is not "oh, bad times definitely shadow the good times" because there will always be good and bad times. When the good times end, the bad times may take over. The issue is more of "how to bounce back as quickly as possible". I'm weak, I'm weak mentally and physically. I take forever to bounce just a little bit. Physically, I've been gaining a lot of weight, and I feel like I can't even move anymore. I'm that disabled. I've made myself disabled.
I really miss our old house, the one at Telok Blangah. The neighborhood was all right. I was very familiar with the neighborhood unlike here in Jurong. Which is stupid because there's so much neighborhood to explore in Jurong. I have a bike, I could cycle around. A lot of residents in this area cycle around because it's the most convenient. Still, I spent a lot of time walking around Telok Blangah. I knew where each road and pathway led to. I knew how to walk to the two ntucs nearby. I loved walking around Bukit Merah. I could even walk to HarbourFront, Tiong Bahru, Bukit Merah Central, and several different bus stops with different bus services.
At Jurong, I don't even know the area well, and I've had plenty of time to explore since we've moved in. I think it's an addiction to the computer and to food. Every morning I wake up, I just eat and use the computer. I'm no longer even thinking about doing something productive or just going out of the house. It's sad.
Anyway, I wanted to talk about my grandma. I'm really glad I got to see her again today. It must have been a month since the last time, all because I was a bad and un-filial granddaughter who didn't visit her at her house while she was recovering from her eye operation.
I think around a week ago, I did have a bad dream about her. It's a weird, weird dreams as dreams are. End of story was that I accidentally killed her. She somehow transformed into water in a cup, and I mistakenly poured it away while cleaning up the table. I know it sounds very stupid, but my emotions in the dream felt so real.
Anyway, grandma came over today, and although we only went to Botanic Gardens in the early evening, it was a good amount of fun. My grandma is seriously awesome. She takes funny candids, she knows how to pose cool, she even knows how to choose pens with my sister. She knows what a G2 pen is. She puts on her sunglasses when we ask just so we can take pictures of her looking badass and sweet. She always has plenty of horror stories to share. She is so adorable with flat hair now that she can't go to curl it. She lets my sister pinch her loose skin on her arm constantly.
We spent the evening mostly taking pictures in Botanic Gardens. Didn't walk a whole lot because there wasn't time, I guess. I tried walking with my dad, but due to my poor physical fitness, I couldn't last fifteen minutes. I can't walk fast anymore. I'm fat.
Anyhow, there was this one moment when we were waiting outside the Orchid gardens and my dad pointed to a dog nearby, asking if I knew what breed it was. I said I didn't know, and he said it was cute.. I don't recall the exact words used, but my dad is probably the last person I expect to comment on the cuteness of a dog. Or the cuteness of anything for that matter, except maybe my brother.
I don't think I know my dad very well. I should bother to talk to him more and spend more time together. But 90% of the time when I'm with his company, I feel.. I don't know how to describe how I feel. I think because of my current useless status, I feel that I am a very bad daughter (which, let's face it, I am) and I just am unable to forget how much disappointment I've brought him. He deserves a much better daughter that doesn't make him worry or upset or disappointed, for all that he has done for the family.
I feel terrible about myself 101% of the time; it's extremely hard to be around anyone else because I'm always feeling like the total fuckup that I am.
I know it's hard to understand, but when you dislike the person that you are so much, you just feel awkward and terrible around everyone else. They're judging, they're judging, they're looking, they're judging.
I'm really lazy to edit pictures right now, so I've only done like very few. I'll probably post more pictures from today in the next entry.
My grandma randomly said that my uncle ate a lot, and could even finish an entire tin of biscuits after dinner. I was like, just like me then. Is my overeating inherited?! Just like my OCD, and possibly depression.
School holidays this week for my sister. I hope I am able to go out with my cousin and my sister again one of the days this week. There aren't any good shows or shows I'd like to watch right now though. I wish they'd hurry up and show Scott Pilgrim here in Singapore damn.
