WALKIN' ON SUNSHINE WOAAAH
LLLena { Same Shit Different Day } ☂ 
I'm a big fan of television, movies and music. AND HANDSOME GUYS DUH I love discovering new tv shows, new fandoms, new artists. NEW FAVORITES TO UH STALK? LUST OVER?? I'm trying to start reading and writing again.
"I'm not as good as I used to be, but I'm okay"
"I'm not as good as I used to be, but I'll try harder"
Don't be afraid to dream a little bigger darlin'
I SALSA UR FACE
✌ robert downey jr. · ewan mcgregor · jude law · johnny depp · colin farrell · jim carrey · tom hanks · wentworth miller · kevin spacey · george clooney · jeff bridges · jeremy renner · geoffrey rush · simon pegg · nick frost · colin firth · brad pitt · nicolas cage · leonardo dicaprio · sean penn · paul rudd · jason segel · clint eastwood · paul newman · marlon brando · matt damon · mark wahlberg · aaron paul · tim roth · etc
Secondly, don't let anyone ever make you feel like you don't deserve what you want.
HE ATE A BANANA
✌ quentin tarantino · tim burton · martin scorsese · stanley kubrick · coen brothers · danny boyle · steven spielberg · edgar wright · robert rodriguez · roman polanski · sidney lumet · david fincher · christopher nolan · alfred hitchcock · etc
Taste me, drink my soul
Show me all the things that I shouldn't know
When there's a new moon on the rise
I had everything, opportunities for eternity
And I could belong to the night
TALK DIRTY TO ME
✌ SONS OF ANARCHY · parks and rec · happy endings · friends · the good wife · supernatural · prison break · true blood · band of brothers · psych · lie to me · pushing daisies · harper's island · how i met your mother · torchwood · sons of anarchy · breaking bad · dexter · the it crowd · the office · etc
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And I really miss what really did exist
When I held your throat so tight
And I miss the bus as it swerved from us
Almost came crashing to its side
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moved
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Basically I was in a hugely rough mood over the past few days and it just escalated way into danger zone today and thankfully I was able to fix it with a little cycling trip. In conclusion, I cannot survive without exercise, and you'd think I'd have learned that already because I've repeated this entire downward spiral too many times. I need the exercise to boost my serotonin levels.. or something, basically the feel good hormones but often I am guilty of being so fucking lazy. Clearly I am prone to waiting till matters escalate out of hand before attempting to deal with them but by then it could be too late to find a solution.
This whole miserable feeling phase was entirely my fault however. I mean, my dad couldn't cycle with me because he is busy a lot. So obviously a normal independent functioning individual would go cycling on their own but oh not me. I had to wait till I was pretty damn desperate and eating every fucking carb in sight till I realized getting fat and obese wasn't going to make me happy. It's made me so fucking sad and I still continue feeding myself despite the counter-effective results. Food is not feelings. Food is not love. My sister even wanted to cycle with me over the past two days but I was stupid and told her I didn't want to because I was stubborn about cycling up to a minimum speed or none at all. Again, that all or nothing mindset that leads to nowhere. Well also I have severe jealousy issues. I told you I was a despicable person. Am. Jealous of my sister. Nobody deserves someone like me in their life.
I am emotional. I need to be happy. But due to my nature of being cooped up at home 99% of my entire life, avoiding socialization and the hustle bustle of daily life, I have way too much time on my hands to do all kinds of depressive thinking. Also depressive over eating. Massive amounts of such. It goes deeper and deeper every year and I cannot do it another year because then I won't be able to pull myself out. It's like quicksand. I have been sinking in quicksand the past 5 years and not doing anything to get myself out. Well I have tried pathetic attempts at clawing my way out but my nails that I bite on a regular basis are just not cutting it. I need to initiate change.
Okay this sucks. 5 hours ago I was so very sad, I had tons of shit to blog about. Mostly sad rantings and whining and complains. Now it's just empty. But very well I'd rather it this way. I'm so afraid of being upset again though chances are it'll happen very because even if I weren't such a negative depressing person, life is just made that way for us. I am too spoiled I think. I can't handle difficult situations and any little bit of stress of criticism. You don't even need to raise your voice to reduce me to tears. I can do it faster than that just as soon as you look at me disapprovingly. I feel like I'm the kind of person who craves being needed or uh right??? Although yes I am shy as shit and I can't talk to people but I think I know deep down I secretly want the attention. Although I like to please, I'm actually really bad with dealing with feedback or comments.
How the fuck am I going to survive in the working world? I'm going to be too big a girl next year, in terms of physical being, I am still so sheltered!
I know I need to
get a job
learn driving
get a job
stay on the job
exercise minimally every alternate day
get out of the house
stop bingeing
stop treating my body like shit
live for myself
care about things
practice playing the guitar
go back to doing yoga
make some friends
be active
be active
be active
I only have this one chance to live life actively and do everything I possibly can before I grow old and have more responsibilities. I am actually already too old for that, having missed out on my teenager days but I think I can still save myself since I don't turn 21 that soon. Yet. It'll come and go and I'll be 30 and realize all I've done is sat at home and by then it'll really be all over and regretful.
I just want happiness. It's so fucking cliche but whatever. I mean I want to enjoy doing the things I do and do great things that I can enjoy and benefit from or even just for fun things with good company of friends-- well I think that's still very naive of me to have such fairytail-ish grasp on reality but christ I'm confused I don't know what's the right way to be. Obviously people will say be whoever you are there is no right way or wrong way, just what you believe in and work towards your goals and etc and sure but I don't think I have the self esteem to match such a way of life.
Sometimes I am scared of how insignificant my existence is.
Sometimes I am think way too much in not good ways. Thinking about studies and working on studying and thinking about math equations or thinking about how to write that school paper is totally good thinking but I think about useless things that gets me sad for no reason.
There's so many bigger, bigger, bigger issues out there. My issues are just tiny and they will go away when I get my life back and when I have things to occupy myself with. Things, goals, people.
I sleep in the living room, and then in my sister's or parent's room afterwards when everyone wakes up and I can't sleep in the living room anymore. This is because it's gotten to be a habit (I used to sleep in the computer room. I tried sleeping back in my room but it didn't work out after a couple of days) and also mostly I think because I am afraid to sleep in a confined space in the dark. I don't even know. I just feel like I would be really terrified sleeping in my own room again because I feel like I'll sleep and never wake up and it'll be too late by the time they find me because they'll just think I'm oversleeping or something. I know sleeping outside is also sleeping alone but for some reason I am more comfortable.
I spent the last few years of my life thinking I could be alone forever and it's so much better to be alone and not have to deal with anything and anyone but I've realized in the past recent months that there's no fucking way I can do that anymore. I, being spoiled and all, although I hate company usually, but still the thought of loneliness scares me. I only have my family and one friend now. That's all I have. I don't want to be alone in future.... It may be inevitable but I could fight it. I just hope I make an effort to fight it and not accept it like the fool I am accepting everything that comes my way even though it's not what I want. I'm the anything anywhere anyhowwhatsoever kind of person and I hate hate that. I used to idolize characters, fictional, that were stone cold emotionless and deadpan and spoke in mostly monotonous voices and they were apathetic and indifferent and didn't want to care about relationships because they get messy and having someone to love means having someone to lose. I was a huge animanga fan then. Thing is, characters like this usually hide a lot of pain. They have been through so fucking much they decided it's better to distance themselves than to hurt again. Ugh all of it is so angst-y-ish but that was kinda the stuff I loved. Still kinda is, except I have no patience to sit through anime episodes anymore blah. And I stopped reading manga a while back. Movies and tv just hooked me right in. See, I live in fantasy worlds where things are all fictionalized for entertainment. Ooh I also loved the characters who were always smiling and happy BUT they were just wearing a facade and deep down they were going through a lot of pain. I like pain, not to sound like a masochist, but pain makes a character alive.. I think. I don't know, I just liked stuff that was heavy on the angst. I guess it was easier to cry over that than cry over nothing because I got so emotional for I don't know what reasons. Characters I remember specifically are Itachi from Naruto and Fai from Tsubasa Reservoir Chronicles. And I seemed to have been drawn to Hitsugaya from Bleach a lot for some reason. I even wrote a fanfic years ago when I could write excellently that still receives favorites sometimes. I wish I could write again. Not this poorly punctuated piece of shit blog entry with bad grammar and vocab and everything that would make anyone who reads this cringe.
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E-mail: EMAIL HERE
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30 day challenge / facts abt me <- aka more rl related
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