I'm a big fan of television, movies and music. AND HANDSOME GUYS DUH I love discovering new tv shows, new fandoms, new artists. NEW FAVORITES TO UH STALK? LUST OVER?? I'm trying to start reading and writing again.
"I'm not as good as I used to be, but I'm okay"
"I'm not as good as I used to be, but I'll try harder" Don't be afraid to dream a little bigger darlin'
I SALSA UR FACE
✌ robert downey jr. · ewan mcgregor · jude law · johnny depp · colin farrell · jim carrey · tom hanks · wentworth miller · kevin spacey · george clooney · jeff bridges · jeremy renner · geoffrey rush · simon pegg · nick frost · colin firth · brad pitt · nicolas cage · leonardo dicaprio · sean penn · paul rudd · jason segel · clint eastwood · paul newman · marlon brando · matt damon · mark wahlberg · aaron paul · tim roth · etc
Secondly, don't let anyone ever make you feel like you don't deserve what you want.
HE ATE A BANANA
✌ quentin tarantino · tim burton · martin scorsese · stanley kubrick · coen brothers · danny boyle · steven spielberg · edgar wright · robert rodriguez · roman polanski · sidney lumet · david fincher · christopher nolan · alfred hitchcock · etc
Taste me, drink my soul
Show me all the things that I shouldn't know
When there's a new moon on the rise
I had everything, opportunities for eternity
And I could belong to the night
TALK DIRTY TO ME
✌ SONS OF ANARCHY · parks and rec · happy endings · friends · the good wife · supernatural · prison break · true blood · band of brothers · psych · lie to me · pushing daisies · harper's island · how i met your mother · torchwood · sons of anarchy · breaking bad · dexter · the it crowd · the office · etc
Follow my blog with Bloglovin And I really miss what really did exist
When I held your throat so tight
And I miss the bus as it swerved from us
Almost came crashing to its side
It had been raining non stop for the past few days. The weather was finally clear and sunny today but all I did was decline going out and stayed at home to snack and laze.
Today I discovered happiness in cooking (for myself)
I hope I will continue to pursue happiness through cooking. Because it is really fun. I just hope that ultimately I will start cooking for my family. Actually, I already can, it's just that I don't wish to because I know they are all super fussy eaters and criticisms will be strongly had.
Anyway, is this what true happiness actually means? Loving yourself and taking care of yourself and choosing to reward yourself from time to time because you know you are worth it. It must be true because the most confident people in the world, I'm sure they rarely feel down. Most of the time we feel upset because we feel we are not living up to expectations or society standards and thus we beat ourselves up. For people with unhealthy self esteem like myself, I constantly live with the belief that I will never be happy. So it's kind of nice that I was able to find a little bit of happiness through something as simple as cooking myself a nice dinner.
This is what my dinner looks like. It's not very pretty or appetizing but it was reall delicious in my opinion.
What it is is this. The left two pictures are Steamed Silken Tofu with Salmon And Sweetcorn from this recipe! This was my favoriteeee dish today!! I just love the taste of tofu with corn and fish. I mean, the ingredients just went well together A LOT. I added way too much corn because I was a glutton though. In fact, all the recipes were cooking for more than one person but I ate them all by myself. Well, almost. There were leftovers of cause.
The top right picture is stir fried bitter gourd and long beans with eggs and tomato slices. Needless to say, I did burn that dish a bit. However, the vegetables were still under cooked. My mum said I should have added some water. Eh, I don't know. I'm a just beginner cook so I have that excuse. This recipe was from here.
And the last picture is just plain brown rice porridge. Which was really good also!! Overall I was extremely satisfied!! Yay I'm doing a review on my own cooking, how wonderful. I don't even bother to review food I eat out at expensive restaurants.
I have SO MANY recipes I want to try. Hopefully I'll keep my interest in cooking for longer than just.. a few weeks. Or less. Which is usually how long my interest in a particular thing seems to hold. Like guitar, like acting, like yoga, like sewing....
I made some chocolate tofu pudding too! But I haven't tried it. It looks not bad though. I need to remember to take a picture afterwards. And banana milkshake! But this one was terrible. I mixed the ingredients on my own so I guess it's expected it tasted not very good. Well actually it tasted fine but the milkshake was too too foamy and thick.
I wanna love cooking so bad. I wanna love cooking for others. But it's not cheap either. And I'm poor and broke and I wanna spend on so many other things like shopping and hair and nails and SHOES. And I really need to do more posts in this blog, some about my wishlists and a scrapbook of pictures of clothes I would like and aaah!
Oh yes, I just remembered. Note to self: DO NOT EVER DRINK COFFEE AND TEA ONE AFTER ANOTHER IMMEDIATELY. I was in such a caffeine high I felt so jittery and shaky.
Today was kinda nice. I was supposed to go for Japanese lesson but ended up staying at home to watch Suicide Circle by Shion Sono (FINALLY). I didn't stay at home to watch the movie but because I was having a bad headache, of course. The movie was really enjoyable though! Of course the beginning scene was kind of scary gory but overall I have not had so much fun watching a movie in AGES. I felt kind of not disappointed but expecting some kind of closure at the end of the movie but there was none. Oh well, I'm not the famous successful director and besides I think it's better the way it ended. Most movies that are so good and mindfuck movies or movies with twist sometimes end without much of a conclusion or up to your own interpretation etc which is horribly frustrating for me, but in a way it still leaves room for imagination and discussion.
I will need to rewatch the movie in future and give the idea of "Are you connected to yourself" more thought. I mean, I get it but I don't really get it. You are connected to your family, friends, etc, everyone around you. When you die, the connection remains. But when you die, does the connection to yourself remain? Are you even connected to yourself to begin with when you are alive? Most people aren't. I know I'm not also. But that's bad because you are you and you are not living your life for others.
Okay, many things have happened in the past few months. Basically Gen gave me the idea that we should go to Japan together. Then I couldn't go because it was too expensive. We had wanted to join a tour package to Hokkaido. I would have to make 2.5k by myself within 3-4 months. Getting a job isn't easy. Working isn't easy. I interviewed for a few f&b jobs and I was SO ON SO MOTIVATED to work but it went KAPUT. I tried out a Japanese restaurant for a 6 hr dinner shift and after that I never returned. I thought I wanted to start somewhere else instead (that also gave me a job) but I neglected that as well.
Basically, I got scared and ran away. No want commitment, run run!!
So now I've regressed back to square one and I have stopped bothering to find a job. Gen and I now want to go to Japan to study Japanese for 2 weeks. But we estimated it would cost like 5-6k??? Plus our shopping and food and accommodation expenses. That is really impossible for me. My dad's business is doing only all right. It's good we can still stay afloat and I can still buy expensive food to eat and eat a lot...
But I need to start work soon. I want to be able to have my own money, so I can treat my grandma and sister to dinner/lunch at nice places and buy them gifts. I want to shop for my clothes and shoes and everything a girl needs...! Make up, accessories. I want to indulge in hobbies and spend some money upgrading my bike and cycling more. I want to go o Japan as well, but I doubt I can save enough money anytime soon considering all my other expenses and all the other things I want to get.
I have been so depressed the past week because I have not gone out at all. Previously I was going out at least 6 days a week!! Super major huge improvement and now I'm back to square one. Slapped in the fucking face.
I have not been exercising (AGAIN), have been eating NON STOP (AGAIN) and feeling FUCKING FAT AND SHITY (AGAIN). But I still find it so hard to venture out............................
Also, Gen and I recently talked and discovered our mutual interest in finding out more about bdsm.
And I've started watching jdrama again!! Wanna pick up more Japanese faster (not really working but yeah). My English is getting really bad and I can't think hard anymore. I used to be able to solve math problems, difficult ones were my FAVORITE but now, thinking about the easiest things HURTS MY FUCKING BRAIN. I've regressed so much. I'm dying. I can't save myself. I've fallen into this deep dark pit and in my mind are the blackest most twisted fantasies that exist. I can't function properly anymore!! I can't even work for one hour. I get stressed so easily. I have severe mood swings and bipolar like symptoms every pre menstrual week.
MY GOD.
Okay, this are two of our bunnies.
GUESS WHOOOOO
yeah this bunny's gone to the neighbor's girl though. Since we can't keep too many anymore.
So many new favorite songs I can't keep track of!!
Anyway, once again I start by saying, oh how long it's been since I've been back in this blog. Feels almost nostalgic.
2012 has been a year of firsts I guess. And in a good way I suppose. Lots of new first experiences involving me trying to socialize with the outside world of aliens.
It's been all right except my social skills are lousy like really bad and I'm awkward and I hate how I talk. I always imagine myself to be speaking in a really professional non-Singlish voice/accent but sadly it's exactly as I fear.
I feel like I should blog about those first experiences but I don't really want to.
On another note, I've been so addicted to spending money lately despite needing to work hard to find a job. I never knew... NEVER IMAGINED shopping would be so fucking fun. I love buying clothes! And I can only buy so little. I think it's fun because there's plentiful of clothes and shoes and accessories and bags and choices and options and shops and malls but you only have so little time and money. Not to mention the sizing factor. Oh yes, you could shop online but blogshops are way out of my size range. Sucks to be a fatty.
I think I've deprived myself of shopping all the past few years that right now it's like BOOM! Shop shop shop. Which is a huge problem because I have no income and it's worrying that I can even find a job to support myself.
In a way though, my blog entries seem to be less whiny anymore. Less complaining and miserable wailing. However, my sister seems to be having issues.. with growing up I guess. With her perfectionist attributes and character and her needing to be strong for everyone else but not considering her own needs. I'm just so worried about her. I just want her to be happy, not feel alone even when surrounded with people like I used to feel. Cause that kinda sounds like depression and she should not be down with anything like that. She's too smart for it but then again all the depressed people are.. They're geniuses.. Myself excluded. Now I'm happy go lucky again and all the more even more stupid.
Oh yes I'd like to say 2012 has been a year of firsts for me in terms of concerts!!!
First concert EVER L'arc~en~Ciel on 28th April 2012~~ and then MUCC and UNiTE during Jrockevolution 2012 Singapore on the 5th October ;w; kyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
M U C C
;_;
Yes but if it weren't for all this, life is just so empty.
Tick tock tick tock. I've been so irresponsible with my rabbits now even. I want to care for them badly but I can't buy their food since I don't have money so my mum buys their food and is so stingy with it. Then I can't give them water either cause they would urinate and my mum doesn't want that.
wtf it's like we really should not keep rabbits.. the poor things.
also still hating my body
although I'm able to eat out so much more now. and more variety too. at restaurants and trying new foods and stuff. it's scary. the control.. must not give.
i've already slacked so much in other areas like physical exercise and massive weight gain.
mmmm I could get so violent.
ooooooooooh need to change layout asap. I sadly.. don't find.. Ewan cute anymore
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOo
ugh.
i want to be everything i'm not
i guess in the same manner my sister wants to score higher than she ever can
i get jealous of everyone and everything so easily because i've chosen such an unfulfilling lifestyle for myself
at the moment the only thing i want is to see dir en grey live
but that's not going to happen
apparently they are not mainstream popular in japan and there's no way they would ever come to singapore or even nearby countries in asia
why is it like that
they are the only band i care so much for
at the same time though i am pretty sure that if i were to attend a dir en grey concert live live live i would totally tear all my hair out whenever kyo goes all god amazing like which is all the time
oh and I finally watched the back to the future movies!!! okay the first two. still have the third to watch. but omg i think my all time favorite movie character (for now) has to be marty mcfly. i don't understand it either but seriously i just like him so much.
My brother got me readdicted to Heroes and now I can't stop
Yep! Watched 9 episodes of season 2 last night. Feeling very pre-menstrual except it's a little delayed due to my not exercising. I am feeling very upset with myself and my life again.
No direction.
Going to see MUCC and UNiTE on 5th Oct yaaay!! But I can't get myself to like UNiTE much. Their music isn't very awesome.. not to me at least. I just can't..
Such a waste.
Rabbits are all growing up. Momo is a male boy princess and Pucca is Pucca. The babies are all so big now.
I need to take a pic of Pucca now and Pucca last time. So much difference! My baby used to be so cute. Still is just that all the rabbits when they grow up, they don't want us to hug anymore. Rabbits are not cuddly creatures. Besides, can't blame them since we cage them up. What kind of relationship could I possibly hope to foster?
Have to make myself learn Japanese but it's going nowhere.
I am so pissed that I let myself stop cycling. It's been more than a month and I'm all dead inside. I need exercise but I am lazy.
I don't know what I want to do anymore. I know my cure is to go out and meet people, socialize or hate them, whatever. Then occupy myself, try new things, learn to cope with doing things I hate and etc. But lately the pre menstrual is kind of making me undo everything I've tried hard to improve.
And I'm starting to make plans and cancel them AGAIN. even if it's plans with other people
WHEN WILL I LEARN TO GET OVER MY FEARS? I NEED TO FACE THEM NOT AVOID.
ugh Rory/Amy and Peter/Olivia shall be my top two otps of forever. also Owen/Tosh. And Michael/Sara. And and askjdflas can't remember any others right now because I've never been much of an otp kind of person /shame
also that scene where he smiled and said "I'll go get my coat." and Olivia sees a glimmer about him. Idk why it's just so sad to me.
The whole show is. I mean, sad in a good, I love it way of course.
On my 17th ep now.
Also I have to say, I THOUGHT CHARLIE WOULD BE BACK! Because I read some stupid q&a on imdb asking why is agent francis in episode 11 of season 2 when he was killed off already before. I didn't read the answer. SO I THOUGHT LIKE.. HE GOTS REVIVED. however the hell they were going to explain it idk. but still. I thought Because Charlie's like so important. Um to me, at least. )': sobbing tears forever. I didn't even get to mourn his departure properly cause I thought he'd be back ajdhfksldhfsalk aargh.
ooh and new post must upload new song.... because I want to remember the songs I actually listen to right now.
and also very much in love with psycho le cemu.
what is with me and disbanded artists/bands!!! ksdalfdska so sad. kagrra.. psycho le cemu.. charlotte, d'espairsray.
ON ANOTHER NOTE ONE OK ROCK WAS IN SINGAPORE JUST 30 JUNE AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THEY WERE PERFORMING HERE UNTIL THE NEXT DAY WHEN IT WAS OVER
okay maybe it would have been too late for me to get tickets by the time i found out since i'm so slow anyway but still as,jfdhlsakdhasklf one ok rock ;_;
ooh and baby pictures! baby has grown so much. she/he is now eating pellets and hay and also running around a lot. s/he even knows how to stamp her foot. ugh light of my life. seriously i would be so depressed if not for baby.
skipped orals today when it was all in my benefit to attend way to go girl
